


Designing Break

by xHaruka17x



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Baby is a horse, Cheating, Cowboy Dean, Depression, Designer Castiel, Dyslexia, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, Jo Winchester - Freeform, Jo is Dean and Sam’s sister, Multi, Some suicidal thoughts, Twink Castiel, illiterate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-04-18 00:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4685663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xHaruka17x/pseuds/xHaruka17x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the painful love story of a Cowboy loving a Designer that was too scared to be loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to thank the very awesome and patient palominopup for helping me will all Cowboy and Horse references, thank you so very much!!!
> 
> Note: Enjoy and please read & give me feedback!  
> /// means memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very huge thank you to Vinnie Cha for the amazing art work!!!!  
> Check out her page! http://vinnie-cha.tumblr.com/

  


  
  
  
New York  
  
  
Castiel couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t seen those eyes in over a year and they still gripped his heart painfully. His ex was on the cover of Horse & Rider magazine and on American Cowboy Magazine.  
  
  
  
  


  
  
He looked dashing and ever so the handsome cowboy he was. He picked up both magazines and flipped to the inside story of the first one. The magazine was spotlighting The Winchester Ranch which was being honored for their twentieth anniversary as one of the best horse farms, having over fifteen winning horses.  
  
They came from two different worlds and that should have stopped him in the beginning. They both came from money and made plenty but were both so different. Castiel had been a snob socialite clothing designer while his ex was a humble and hardworking cowboy.  
  
Dean Winchester had been sweet and loving… and Castiel a whinny little shit. They had had a fight, Castiel wanted Dean to come see him in New York because he didn’t want to go to the ranch. Dean said he couldn’t because he had too much work. They hung up angrily.  
  
Castiel went to Balthazar’s party. Castiel got inebriated and was all over Balthazar when Gabriel brought Dean there to see him. The wonderful cowboy had come to surprise him with flowers… but Castiel hadn’t seen him, instead angry and drunk, he’d started making fun of his lover and publicly told the whole room that Dean couldn’t even read and he was just a dumb redneck. He then started kissing Balthazar and rubbing against him when he finally turned and saw Dean standing there. The man looked heartbroken.  
  
Not only had he cheated on him in front of him, but the worst part was he had slept with Balthazar a few times, because Dean was busy in Texas. He’d told himself it was a reasonable excuse, but that was a lie. He had betrayed Dean, both physically and emotionally, telling Dean’s darkest and most painful secret. Dean was illiterate. Doctors diagnosed him with Dyslexia, but Castiel let all those people believe Dean was just stupid. He couldn’t read beyond his own name and Winchester Ranch, but the man was smart, very smart.  
  
Seeing him standing there in his light blue jeans, bright white button down and white hat and tan boots, the sheer look of hurt in those emerald green eyes. Eyes that Castiel loved… Dean had turned around and Castiel had never seen him again.  
  
No matter how many times he had cried and begged Dean to just let him apologize, the cowboy was done and Castiel had been left to finally realized he loved him, loved him so much the pain and shame of what he had done consumed him. He tried repeatedly to get a hold of Dean, even tried going to Texas only to find out Castiel wasn’t allowed on the property.  
  
Castiel had returned to New York after a month of staying in Texas, trying to talk to Dean. A month of pain and shame, but still, Dean wouldn’t see him…talk to him. When he returned, he handed over his designs to Gabriel and stopped designing, stopped going out, stop being a stuck up snob. The reality of who he had been…he had never deserved Dean Winchester.  
  
Dean with his easy smile, always sweet and funny, always thoughtful and loving… Dean had always done anything Castiel asked and he would say ‘anything to make my sweetheart smile’.  
  
He had never stopped thinking about Dean. He still cried for him at times, but he would only admit it to his heart. It took him hurting the most wonderful man he’d ever met and ruining the best thing that ever happened to him for him to wake up. He had been a horrible person, full of himself, thinking everyone owed him something and somehow had been privileged enough to get a handsome man like Dean Winchester to tolerate him… till he broke them.  
  
Dean’s bright green eyes were looking at him from the magazine and God, if the man wasn’t even more handsome then he dared let himself remember… tears began to swim in Castiel’s eyes.  
  
“Hey buddy, you gonna buy those or what?” Castiel was jolted out of his trance and took out five dollars from his pocket.  
  
“Here, sorry.” The man took the money and mumbled something about him being weird, crying to himself.  
  
He supposed he was weird, but he couldn’t stop the tears. He hugged the magazines to his chest and closed his eyes, pretending Dean was holding him.  
  
He felt numb as he made his way home, clutching the magazines like a life line and sank down to his sofa. The magazines were spotlighting Dean and the different breeds, interviewing Dean and there was pictures of him and the horses.  
  
  
  
  
 **_ Horse & Rider Interview _ **  
  
**_Q._ ** What is your secret to your success in training a beautiful horse like Winchester's Thunder a.k.a Baby?  
  
 **_A._ ** Ha! Yeah Baby is the best. There's no real secret its common sense really. A horse is give and take, if you just take the horse will stop giving, if you just give the horse will take more and more. It has to be a partnership.  
  
 **_Q._ ** Many of our readers wonder how you handle a Stallion and teach them to listen, because Baby is obviously very in-sync with you. But many worry about a stallion's temperament. They aren't known to be easy to work with.  
  
 **_A._ ** Well, you need to treat him like a horse, it does not matter if he is a stud or gelding, he gets treated as a lower horse. You cannot be friends with him. You've got to use the herd mentally, you are the leader. Once you make him understand that, training is a lot easier. You do this by moving his feet, changing his direction, stopping his movement and making sure he knows you move him, he doesn't move you. He doesn't bite or kick unless he wants a whole mess of trouble.  
  
  
Castiel finished reading the short interview and then grabbed the other magazine.  
  
  
  
  
 **_ American Cowboy Interview _ **  
  
**_Q._ ** Everyone knows Winchester's Thunder a.k.a. 'Baby', but you have another stallion named Winchester's Devil May Cry a.k.a. 'Angel'? And how many mares does Winchester Ranch have?  
  
 **_A._ ** Yeah Baby and Angel produce amazing foals and we have fifty-one broodmares we use in our breeding program.  
  
 **_Q._ ** Our readers know Sam is happily married, but we have a lot of folks asking about your love life. Any fillies we should know about?  
  
 **_A._ ** Yeah, I get asked that a lot. I honestly don't have much time for dating.  
  
 **_Q._ ** Alright, so what can we expect from you this weekend?  
  
 **_A._ ** I'm actually doing a Reining and Western Pleasure with Baby and my sister Jo will be doing a show jumping event with Angel this weekend in Dallas.  
  
  
  
  
  
Castiel couldn’t stop looking at the pictures, tears running down his face. A loud slam from his door made him look up. His brother, Gabriel, was standing in the doorway, looking at him with concern written plainly on his face.  
  
“Cassie?” Gabriel came to him and saw the pictures in the pages of the open magazines. He didn’t have to look closer to know who it was. Gabriel took his baby brother in his arms and hugged him as Castiel cried.  
  
After their break up, Gabriel had made Castiel move in with him. His brother, who had always been in control, always snarky and vain…completely changed after Dean left him. It was like a dam had broken and a wake-up call was finally received.  
  
Gabriel had told him for years to change, to be careful how he treated others. He had even told him once to be careful how he regarded Dean. The cowboy had somehow been blind to Castiel’s meanness and lack of preservation till it had hit them both in the face.  
  
Castiel had been a mess since. He stopped designing, sold his penthouse, moved in with Gabriel and was put on anti-depressants. He realized too late how horrible he had been to Dean. He had realized too late how much he loved the cowboy.  
  
It had been a difficult year because Gabriel had never ever seen Castiel so vulnerable. He was kind now, sweet even and tried hard to be a good person, instead of the tyrannical, self-involved famous designer.  
  
The fashion world had not been kind to him when he retreated. Maybe rumors and speculations circled and some were downright vicious.  
  
Castiel pulled away and looked at a picture of Dean reining with Baby, dressed dashingly in a forest green cowboy shirt with a black leather vest and black jeans and riding boots, black hat holding on and he smiled down at Baby. The horse’s back legs down with his black tail high.  
  
“He’s doing a show in Dallas this weekend. I want to go”  
  
“Cassie I don’t think it’s a good idea” His brother had been doing so well, but as soon as he saw anything horse or cowboy related he couldn’t stop his thoughts about Dean. They hadn’t even been together long, maybe six months.  
  
They had met by pure chance. Jessica Winchester was a merchandiser with their fashion house and her husband, Sam, and brother-in-law, Dean, had come to New York to visit.  
  
Castiel had taken one look at those broad shoulders, strong muscled arms that flexed as the man moved and he was lost. Dean had been dressed in a short sleeved red and white plaid button up, snug light blue very well worn and well loved jeans with laced black work boots. The man turned as he laughed giving Castiel a view of a perfect ass and made him swallow hard. His white and blinding smile with sharp canine teeth, tanned skin with spiked, blonde hair and grass green eyes.  
  
After introductions from Jessica, Castiel had called him an Adonis in jeans and had begged Dean to pose for him in his new line. At first Dean had said, “I don’t really have time to prance around in fancy clothing, no offence. I’m just here on vacation seeing my sister in law.” His dashing smile directed at Castiel as he spoke.  
  
Castiel flirted back and promised Dean to dinner if the cowboy would only pose for him. The cowboy’s heated gaze had looked up and down Castiel’s body, obviously appreciating the delicate twink for what he was and licked his lips. ”Deal.”  
  
Dean had posed in his CN grey jeans and CN white button up long sleeve shirt. He’d looked delicious. He then posed in dark jeans with a green/grey silk and cotton button up that made Dean’s eyes shine.  
  
Another shot had him dressed in black jeans with a grey/blue cotton shirt with a black jacket. The man looked amazing in everything. And the last shoot, had him outside by a pool, a black tailored suit with a black button up and white high tops.  
  
After the photo shoot, they went to dinner and Gabriel could only imagine how well it had gone. Every weekend afterwards, either Dean would be in New York or Castiel would be in Texas.  
  
Then everything had exploded. They had fought and Gabriel remembered Dean calling him to help him surprise Castiel because he didn’t want to fight. Gabriel had been more than happy to help although at the time he had had his own suspicions about Castiel and Balthazar.  
  
When Gabriel picked Dean up from the airport and took him straight to Balthazar’s party, he had regretted it as soon as he had parked. He had felt it. It was a bad idea to bring Dean there.  
  
“You don’t have to come with me, but I want to go. I need to see him”  
  
“Cassie I really don’t think you should go. What if…what if Dean’s not…” Gabriel wanted to choose his words carefully, “…single?”  
  
“The magazine says he is”  
  
“You know as well as I do it doesn’t mean anything”  
  
Castiel swallowed the lump in his throat and hugged himself. “I’m going,” he said, suddenly resolved. He stood and went into his bedroom to pack.  
  
Gabriel sighed and whipped his face with his hands and looked down at the two magazines. Dean Winchester was a beautiful specimen, that was for sure, but he didn’t think the cowboy wanted anything to do with his baby brother. He hadn’t in a year, so why would he now. Gabriel had a bad feeling about Castiel going to Texas, but he couldn’t stop him. He was just scared of the outcome and if he would be able to catch Castiel when he fell.  
  
  


**#####**

 

**Texas**

It was raining when the plane landed. The taxi took him straight to his hotel and Castiel just stared out the window, watching Dallas in a blur of grey clouds and rain.

He remembered the last time he had been in Texas with Dean, when they were together…

  
  
**_///_ **  
_With the rain falling, Castiel thought he would feel trapped here on the ranch with Dean. That he would be freaking out, but instead, he stood there in front of the large bedroom window, overlooking acres and acres of Dean’s land that went from green pastures, turning into a dense tree line before giving way to a breathtaking view of the mountains, grey and wistful in the distance of the early evening sky._

_A cool breeze with the sweet smell of rain came through the window, caressing his face and then he felt Dean behind him, hands on his arms and then the man was kissing at his neck._

_“Let me take care of you, Sweetheart” Dean’s deep, husky voice swept against his ear, making him shiver. He could only nod as Dean continued kissing and nipping his neck, unbuttoning his shirt from behind._

_When Dean pulled his shirt back and let it drop to the floor between them, he stepped closer and pressed Castiel against his chest, his fingers ghosting over his skin, finding Castiel’s nipples, making him gasp as Dean sent tingling sensations through him._

_“Dean…” The taller man spun him around and cupped his face, kissing him madly, biting at his lower lip. Castiel pulled at Dean’s clothes, making him pull off his own shirt, both needing to feel each other’s skin._

_Dean pulled him towards the bed and laid Castiel down. He kissed his lips slowly then proceeded to unbuckle his own belt and start to slide Castiel’s jeans off_.

_“So beautiful, Sweetheart,” Dean said, eyeing every inch of his lover, making the blue eyed man blush furiously._

_Only Dean did that him, making him blush and he loved it when Dean called him sweetheart._

_Dean started sucking hickeys into his thighs, making him gasp and whimper, hands in Dean’s hair pulling and pushing. “Please,” he begged. He was already painfully hard and he wanted Dean inside of him…now._

_The green eyed man suddenly took his cock into his mouth and Castiel arched off the bed, crying out in pleasure as Dean swirled is tongue around the head._

_“Ohhhh…. D-Deannnnn….” It didn’t take much and Castiel exploded in Dean’s mouth. The sensations too much and he came in a surprised gasp._

_Dean let him calm down a few seconds before turning him over, setting him on his hands and knees and then Castiel could have come all over again as Dean spread his ass cheeks and started to lick him._

_This was so dirty and filthy and fuck it felt so amazing, Castiel couldn’t stay quiet and was pushing back against Dean’s tongue as he pushing it inside of him, fucking him with it._

_Dean added a finger along with his tongue and Castiel was moaning even louder. ”Deannnn”_

_His lover added a second finger, easing them in and out as he continued kissing at Castiel’s white thighs, leaving a row of hickeys, branding him as Dean’s._

_Soon enough he added a third finger and manage to reach into the nightstand for lube._

_“Please…. Dean….”_

_“I got you, Sweetheart.” He pulled his fingers out and flipped Castiel over. “Wanna see you.” Castiel nodded as Dean started to push into him slowly. Dean sealed his lips with his and gasped into his mouth as he slid into Castiel’s tight heat._

_As he sank in deeper, Castiel moaned when he pushed against his magic spot and Dean made a mental note to keep this angle. Once he bottomed out, he kissed Castiel slowly, caressing his face, then started a slow and deep rhythm, rolling his hips, pushing along Castiel’s pleasure spot making him gasp and mewl, his body trembling at the passion he felt, moving against Dean, both completely lost in each other as the rain kept falling outside._  
**_///_**

  
  


Castiel touched the glass of the window, watching the rain turn to a drizzle and the evening darkness crept over the city.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he would see Dean. He didn’t know if he would dare to try and talk to him, but Castiel needed to see him. His heart was already racing and he was scared. Scared that Dean would see him and just walk away. Sacred that Dean’s stunning green eyes would look at him with hate. Scared that Dean wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t let him explain and apologize even after a year had passed between them.

Sleep didn’t come that night, every scenario he could think of ran through his head. Before he knew it, it was seven and he had to get up.

The Reining and Western Pleasure Classes started in the afternoon, while the show jumping started in about two hours and he didn’t want to miss a chance seeing Dean.

 

**#####**

 

**Winchester Ranch**

“Alright boys and lady, we ready?” Dean yelled out as Benny, Sam and Michael helped load up Baby and Angel while Jo loaded their clothes for the shows in Dean’s black 2015 Silverado 3500HD.

“We’re good to go!” Benny called out.

Dean tapped the hood and jumped in the driver’s seat. “Take good care of the ranch while I'm gone, Sammy!”

Sam just waved him off. Michael stayed behind with Sam.

Dean loved early mornings like this, crack of dawn, breath taking view of the surrounding mountains and forest. Acres of beautiful pastures. The ranch, their huge country house, the stables and two other massive barns, one for the mares and one for the foals and training.

His family legacy was a beautiful and respected one. Winchester Ranch was his dream and it had been passed down to him, Johanna and Sam, even though they were all three born here, all three grew up riding horses before they could even walk. It was all they knew, well him and Jo anyway. Sam had still gone to college, which in the end had been the best thing because now he took care of all the paperwork and bills that had to do with the ranch. Sammy had degrees and certifications Dean couldn’t even begin to comprehend and it helped enormously.

He smiled to himself and carefully maneuvered the truck onto the dirt road leaving the ranch behind.

“So Jo, you’re up first and then after lunch I’m up.”

“Great so you can watch me annihilate the competition and then you get to show them why Baby is the best horse besides my Angel.”

Dean smiled at his sister. Jo was as involved as he was with their ranch and horses, while Sam took care of the books for obvious reasons. Dean was lucky, he knew that. Because of his ‘problems’ he wouldn’t have been able to really survive outside the ranch. Dean understood horses. People and their need for words and writing and reading things well, Dean couldn’t compete with something his brain refused to recognize.

He was lucky and he was happy. He was surrounded by family and Anna.

He had met the beautiful redhead at one of Jo’s jumping competitions. Anna was also a show jumper. She and Dean hit it off instantly. They had only been seeing each other for four months, but after his last relationship, she was exactly what he needed.

She was sweet and sexy and understood the world he lived in, she understood the ranch and cowboy lifestyle, because she was raised like he was. She made him laugh and she didn’t care that he couldn’t read beyond his own name. She didn’t care what others thought, she just cared about him, at least that’s how Dean felt.

She was coming to the event, meeting him there. He couldn’t stop smiling.

Jo opened the glove compartment and something fell out. She picked it and looked at it. It was a bracelet made of dark brown leather straps that were intertwined with a silver clasp that read ‘Always with you’.

“What’s this?”

“What?” Dean looked at her and he visibly paled. It was the bracelet he and Castiel, his ex, had gotten together. They each had one because they were often apart. “It’s nothing, just put it back.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing from your face.”

“Jo, leave it alone and put it back.” He was upset and she could see it clearly on his face and by his tone.

She studied her brother and then looked back at the bracelet. “This has to do with that designer guy in New York you were seeing, doesn’t it”

“Jo.” Dean’s tone should have warned Jo he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Dean, you never talked about it and only Sam met the guy twice. It was really hard seeing you go through whatever it was alone. You wouldn’t even talk to Sam.”

“It’s done. It’s been over for a year now. I’m seeing Anna now and I’m happy. Just forget about it.” He grabbed the bracelet out of her hands and shoved it into the glove compartment and slammed it shut, like he was mentally closing that door on the subject.

Jo crossed her arms and glared at him. “If it’s done, why do you still have the bracelet?”

Dean flexed his jaw and just turned on the radio, ignoring her the rest of the drive.

 

**#####**

 

Castiel watched as an array of people proceeded to set up the jumping course with various heights and numbers of bars. Some had three bars on one platform while others had singles but then a second and sometimes third single was about a foot away, those looked the hardest to Castiel.

He could even see a few riders in their white riding pants, black riding coats and boots. Some already had their helmets on while others simply held them at their side while inspecting the arena.

Once officials made sure all the obstacles were verified and ready to go, they cleared out the light dirt filled course. The proceedings were about to start.

He hadn’t know how to dress. He found it ironic sense he was a designer once, clothing should be easy. But it wasn’t, not anymore. He had donned a pair of blue jeans, sneakers and the only t-shirt he had owned when he was with Dean, a Winchester Ranch t-shirt he had stolen from Dean’s closet on one of his stays. He had refused to wear it however, it was a t-shirt and Castiel Novak didn’t do t-shirts.

He smirked to himself, no he didn’t do t-shirts back then. They had been beneath him. Sometimes he still really couldn’t believe how much of a stuck up prick he had been.

Now, this t-shirt was his most prized possession, besides the leather bracelet he wore. He fiddled with the clasp, knowing what was engraved on it. He wondered if Dean still had his. Like teenagers they had gotten matching bracelets. They were to remind each man of the other when they were apart.

Castiel had taken it for granted…taken Dean for granted.

The lights in the arena dimmed and colored lights flashed in circles around the course and the announcements came over the speakers. It was very crowded and the noise was deafening as people cheered.

The bright overhead lights came on, showing the obstacle course standing ready to bring out the best of the competitors. The crowd was excited and it was hard not getting swept up into it.

Castiel could see owners of the horses seated at white tables all around the ends of the arena. His eyes ran around the borders to see if he could catch a glimpse of Dean.

The announcer read off the names of the ten riders and their horses and Castiel could feel a twist in his stomach when the grave voice said ‘Johanna Winchester – Winchester’s Devil May Cry’ over the loud speakers.  
  
The first rider came out and the horse decided that he needed to relieve himself right then, dropping bombs of shit as he walked, tail high and snorted as the modified rider tried to get the horse to hurry and position himself to start. Castiel couldn’t help but laugh.

The rider was only able to get the horse to jump four obstacles and the horse’s legs knocked down three of the poles, back legs not high enough or maybe he hadn’t taken a fast enough momentum, Castiel wasn’t sure.

As the horse started for the last obstacle, Castiel noticed a man with a staff similar to a rake, going towards the poop to clean it up. He did not envy the man.

The second rider was announced and this time it was a man, he was much better than the first contestant and jumped over almost fifteen obstacles. He horse knocked down quite a few poles however.

Castiel was completely into the competition, talking to himself and being disappointed when the horse’s back hooves hit a pole. He blamed the riders. He was starting to understand the scoring and timing and before he knew it, Johanna Winchester was up.

That’s when he heard and saw Dean.

The cowboy was standing at his ringside seat. He was clapping and whistling loudly, cheering for his sister. Castiel’s heart slammed against his chest, he wasn’t that far from Dean. He could see his profile and his smile, the same honest and joyful smile he remembered, as Johanna and her horse started the course.

She was light and accurate, her horse seemed to blend with her. She was exciting to watch. The horse was quick and jumped perfectly, never hitting a pole and Castiel could see how proud Dean was.  
  
Castiel couldn’t take his eyes off Dean. No one else in the arena mattered. Everything and everyone became just a blur. Black cowboy hat on, Dean was in light blue jeans that hugged him just right and a blue and black plaid over shirt. It was open and loose and Castiel had to hold his tears and the lump in his throat as Dean turned towards him, talking to someone at his table and Castiel saw his t-shirt under the plaid. Winchester Ranch.

Johanna left the arena and Dean sat back down and out of Castiel’s view. He found himself clutching his own t-shirt, emotions swirling inside of him. His thoughts poisoned him, making him feel like a high school girl. What if it was a sign? Both of them in the same t-shirt.

Castiel took a deep breath. No. Dean didn’t even know he was here and Castiel had already decided he was just here to see him. See him from afar because he couldn’t handle Dean walking away from him. He wasn’t ready for that kind of torture.

He stood and excused himself over and over, passing people that glared at him as he walked by. He needed air.

He reached outside fairly quickly and just took a few deep breathes. He found one of the food stands that sold refreshments and bought a bottle of water.

He didn’t know how long he had been standing, just numbly thinking about Dean.

  
  
**_///_ **  
_“Sweet baby Jesus…” Dean threw his head back into the pillows as Castiel rode him hard and fast. He was riding his cowboy for the first time and he could feel his thigh muscles clench around his lover’s hips. Dean was watching him, smug smirk on his handsome face. “Ride your cowboy, Sweetheart.”_

_Castiel was whimpering and moaning as he slammed himself down harder, mouth open in a ‘O’, swirling his hips, teasing his prostate. He scratched at Dean’s chest, dragging sharp grunts from his lover, leaning forward, angling his ass just right, making Dean’s cock head rub hard inside of him where he wanted it and came screaming his name, shooting white stripes all over the cowboy’s stomach._

_He slumped down against Dean, completely spent when his strong lover spun them around. Dean put his limp legs over his shoulders and fucked into him, hard and fast, thrusting erratically and came moments later, filling Castiel._

_Dean growled into Castiel’s neck and Castiel wrapped his arms around his cowboy. Dean found his lips and kissed him leisurely, slowly, making Castiel’s toes curl at the intensity._

_When Dean pulled back to look at him and caressed his face, eyes glowing and adoring, it made Castiel feel cherished. He never wanted to be without him, without that look like he was the best thing Dean had ever seen. It terrified him yet made him feel so desperate._

_He pulled Dean down, kissing him hard and needy, wanting Dean’s strong muscled arms to wrap around him and never let go._  
**_///_**

  
  


Castiel wiped his face as he sat down on a wooden picnic table. That had been the last time Dean had been in his bed in New York. He wasn’t sure why he was thinking about that time, it just made his heart ache.

There were many people all around now, eating from the food trucks and just waiting for the next event. He heard laughter and looked up to find Dean and a redheaded woman talking and laughing as they made their way towards a large tent where he could see rows of people waiting in line. ‘Registry’ was written in bold letters overhead.

Dean had changed clothes for his upcoming competition and Castiel swallowed hard. He was breath taking, dressed in a black long sleeved cowboy shirt that had copper embroidery yoke on the front, back and the cuffs, tucked into tight black jeans with a big and flashy copper horse engraved belt buckle with black cowboy boots and hat. He was clean shaven and Castiel wanted to believe Dean was wearing his spicy and alluring cologne that made Castiel dizzy with want.

“Dean!” Johanna came running towards her brother and jumped on his back. Dean caught her, hooking his arms to hold her legs as he spun them around. Johanna holding the second place ribbon.

They were too far for Castiel to hear them now, but he couldn’t look away. Johanna and the redhead continued talking as Dean set his sister down and they moved up the line. When they reached the counter, Castiel saw how Dean became uncomfortable, seeing his eyes glaze over looking slightly panicked as he looked down.

The redhead stepped against Dean, her hand possessively rubbed up and down the cowboy’s back, making a sharp pain pierce through Castiel’s heart. Dean laughed at something she said and he leaned forward to sign his name where she pointed and then she grabbed a paper square with the number seventeen on it. Dean turned around and she pinned it to his back.

The redhead was a beautiful woman. Dressed in tight light blue jeans, white and blue plaid cowgirl blouse with tan boots. Her bright smile was directed at Dean.

Castiel was so lost watching his ex talking and laughing with the redheaded woman and two other people that had come up to talk to Dean, he didn’t realize he himself was being watched.

 

**#**

 

“Alright Dean, Baby is ready to go. I’m gonna go find Anna. Make me proud, Big Bro!” Johanna said, smacking him on the shoulder.

Fuck, the tiny pain in the ass hit like a full grown man. Dean did his best to hide the slight pain she had just shot through his shoulder.

“Good, we are gonna win this year too”

Johanna waved him off and disappeared. He turned to Baby, lovingly patting his long soft neck, this majestic creature who understood him better than anyone. “We are up soon. We’re gonna show them why you’re number one, last five years running, aren’t we?” Dean smirked when Baby snorted, agreeing with him.

“Winchester, five minutes.” Benny said, coming up to him, patting Baby’s behind.

“Thanks, Benny.” Dean mounted the beautiful black beast and steered Baby towards the arena’s entrance.

 

**#**

 

Castiel had been lucky enough to find a seat close to the entrance and exit of the arena where the competitors went in and out of. He made sure to be just out of view of the riders.

Reining was interesting. The riders would guide the horses through a precise pattern of circles, spins, and stops. From what Castiel heard the announcers say, it was done at a lope. He wasn’t exactly sure what that meant, but it looked like a slow and relaxed version of a gallop.

It showed the rider’s control over the horse.

After watching a number of competitors, Castiel’s heart began to race when they called Dean’s name.

 _“Dean Winchester and Winchester’s Thunder.”_ The speakers boomed and the crowd cheered. _“This man needs no introduction, winner for the last five years, Winchester is well known in this competition.”_

Castiel watched as Dean galloped out into the arena on Baby, his stunning black stallion. They were breathtaking, both all in black. Dean’s bright, white smile was a sharp contrast.

Baby stopped, back legs sliding, gaining applause and cheers. Then the horse started to walk quickly backwards. Dean just smiled, barely moved at all. He and Baby were as one, you couldn’t tell where one started and the other ended.

They stayed still and Castiel stopped breathing. Baby looked alert and happy. Dean made a very tiny move with the one hand holding Baby’s reins and the horse started to turn to the right, spinning them in place at a fast pace.

Dean pulled the reins lightly and the horse stopped on a dime. Cheers erupted and the announcers commented on how nice and smooth the horse’s performance was.

Baby relaxed again and a minute later, Dean had turned him to the left and Baby had them spinning in place again.

As wordlessly ordered by Dean, Baby stopped on the spot again.

The announcers started speaking again. _“Dean has a great horse, Winchester’s Thunder. Very successful in the show ring. Dean’s had this horse since it was born on his ranch and they are an incredible team.”_

Dean and Baby set off at a gallop around the ring. The spectators yelled out encouragingly, clapping and enjoying the show.

The announcer’s commentary continued. _“Very nice. Dean really knows how to present his horse. A well trained reining horse, will do anything his rider asked with just a simple touch of the reins. This horse is smooth. Ladies and Gentlemen, watch how he transitions from one gait to another, one direction to another. You’d be hard pressed to find a better team than Dean and Winchester’s Thunder. Great led change. This horse looks happy to be performing.”_

Dean took Baby for large and fast circles again and then into small and slower ones once more.

_“Both sets of circles are right up there in the +2 range on the judges’ score cards. Dean is really exposing his horse, running it out there, showing what a great minded horse this is to be able to handle so much speed and transition and come back so willfully and quiet.”_

Dean and Baby raced to the center of the arena, where Baby slid to a stop, back legs down. More cheers came from the spectators. Dean turned Baby around and took off once more and then slid to another stop. The announcer was clearly a fan, saying _‘wow’_ and _‘Dean is on top of his game’_.

Rider and horse rolled back, staying on his tracks and took off again and slid to a stop.

 _“Dean Winchester, Winchester’s Thunder, wrapping up the run with a 230!”_ Cheers filled the arena.

Dean had won and he lifted his black hat in greeting as Baby spun him around slowly, showing off.

The cowboy’s charming and blinding smile gaining hollers from the ladies in the crowd.

He was beautiful.

Castiel hated himself. He could have seen Dean do this many times. His ex had invited him repeatedly, but Castiel had always declined, thinking about how dirty he would get and the smell of horse shit. But the reality was that he had been too full of himself, a city boy too good for a classic rider and horse event that showed love and harmony between man and beast.

He could have seen Dean participate. He could have watched him practice on the ranch. He could have been a part of his support team.

The announcer informed the crowd the next event, Western Pleasure, would take place in about twenty minutes.

Castiel stayed seated where he was and he could see Dean, who had exited the ring, now standing next to his horse’s head, talking to Baby, giving the horse an apple, lovingly petting its mane.

A burly man came up to Dean. They started talking and the man said something that made Dean laugh. The sound ran through Castiel, making his heart thump faster in his chest.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been starring at his ex, but he suddenly felt watched. As Dean turned away, pulling Baby with him. He disappeared down the hall. Castiel glanced over towards the right of where Dean had stood and found himself looking into Johanna Winchester’s eyes.

His eyes fluttered and he turned away as quickly as he could and tried to slide down in his seat and disappear. He closed his eyes and tried to calm the panic that gripped him.

After what felt like hours he dared to look back between the railings to see if she was still there, but she was gone.

 

**#**

 

“Dean.” The cowboy turned around and wrapped his arms around the beautiful redhead. “You were amazing,” Anna cooed, kissing his lips.

“Isn’t that what you said last night?” He teased, smirking against her lips. She slapped his chest playfully.

“Careful, Winchester, you might go to bed alone tonight,” She warned, smiling wide as Dean huffed at her and kissed her again.

“Alright, the arena is just about ready.” Benny said, coming up to them. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You’re fine, Benny. I’m going to go find Jo and get a burger. I’m starving.” Anna said, stepping out of Dean’s arms.

“Bring me one!” Dean whined.

“You eat after the event, Cowboy,” she said, tapping his hat and then started towards the seats.

Dean bit his lip, watching her go.

“I finished cleaning Baby up, he’s ready to go.”

“Thanks Benny.”

 

**#**

 

Castiel patiently waited as they cleared the arena. He watched the spectators coming and going and finally after thirty minutes, the arena was ready for the Western Pleasure event.

He had no idea what that meant or what it was about, but Dean’s name was on the list of competitors, so he stayed in his seat. A judge made his way to the middle of the arena and had what Castiel guessed to be scoring cards. The announcer’s voice boomed over the speakers once more, introducing each competitor and horse as they trotted into the arena.

His heart skipped a beat as Dean came out on Baby, crowd cheering.

After a few moments, all the riders and horses were lined up in the arena. The judge made some form of signal and the competitors kicked their horses into a trot. The judge watched as the horse and riders went around the arena. The judge called out another command and the horses broke into a canter.

Castiel learned from watching Dean that ‘canter’ was a controlled, three-beat gait performed by a horse. It looked natural and easy, at least that’s how Dean and Baby made it seem.

The judge then started to call each contestant out individually. Castiel barely paid attention to what was going on, he kept his eyes on Dean.

  
  
**_///_ **  
_Castiel couldn’t help smiling. He and Dean had been walking the streets of New York when a police officer on horseback crossed the road. “Look, Sweetheart, it’s a pretty Thoroughbred.” Dean beamed and then out of nowhere a man ran out from an alley and was heading straight towards Cas._

_Castiel braced himself for the impact but then opened his eyes to find himself starring at Dean’s broad back. Dean had deflected the mad man and pushed him away. But before Castiel could thank Dean, they watched the man head straight towards the cop and horse._

_They couldn’t see what really happened between the mass sea of people but the next thing they knew the horse was screeching. It reared up on its hind legs, trying to throw off the cop from his back._

_Dean sprang into action, leaving a bewildered Cas to follow cautiously. The horse was clearly spooked and was trying to run, but there were too many people around. The cop tried to hold him down with its reins, but the mad man continued to scream and purposely scare the horse._

_Dean punched the man square in the face, knocking him out and then he grabbed the reins from an overwhelmed cop and somehow was able to mount the horse. Dean draped himself onto the horse and with a strong and confident grip he reined the horse in, all the while speaking to the horse in a calm and collected tone._

_It was like watching magic happen. The beautiful brown mare calmed down within minutes of Dean being on her. When she stopped turning and moving and finally stayed still, Dean was as close as he could get to her ear leaning on the right, talking to her and petting her, soothing her._

_The embarrassed and irritated cop could do nothing but watch, as the cowboy slowly dismounted and continued speaking to the horse, petting her nose. The mare nuzzled Dean making him smile._

_“Here ya go, Officer.” Dean said, handing over the reins, but still giving all of his attention to the horse._

_“Thank you,” the cop grumbled._

_“They’re shy animals, and she got spooked,” Dean said. “Her instincts are to flee ... so you have to make sure that she doesn’t react violently to these things.”_

_“Right.” The cop said dismissively. Dean turned his green gaze on the much shorter police officer._

_“You need to learn to trust her, so she can trust you, cause she obviously doesn’t. You need to show her you’re in control of the situations. I’m sure this won’t be the last time you have an idiot trying to scare her,” he said, motioning to the unconscious man he had knocked out._

_“I’ll keep that in mind,” the cop said, mounting the horse._

_“Good, you do that. Next time she might succeed and step on you,” Dean said smiling at the horse that snorted in response, making the cop visibly pale._

_The cop nodded his reluctant thanks before steering the horse away and through the crowd._

_“You’re amazing,” Castiel said, smiling up at his lover._

_“Yeah?” Dean said, giving him a knowing grin as he wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist, pulling him close._

_Castiel just smiled at him, eyeing his lips._

_“You know what I think I need as a reward?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Your lips.” And with that, Dean kissed him, slowly and seductively, tilting his head just so, making sure his hat didn’t get in the way. Castiel sighed happily into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck, fingers playing in the short, blonde hair at the nape._  
**_///_**

  
  


Castiel’s fingers itched, remembering how much he had loved to touch Dean’s hair at the base of his neck, how they felt when they would kiss.

The judge called Dean Winchester and Winchester’s Thunder. They came forward to the center of the ring and the judge nodded and said something to Dean and then Baby backed up several paces.

 _“They are being judged on how well behaved the horses is, how the horse stands quietly, how they react around other horses. Dean doesn’t look worried, Winchester’s Thunder seemed to know what to do and when to do it without much, if any instructions from Dean himself,”_ said the announcer.

Castiel smiled because yes, it was true. Baby knew the routine in and out, Dean just smiled proudly.

After a few more contestants, the show was coming to a close as they all stood waiting their scores.

Dean won first place, for the sixth year in a row.

 

**#**

 

As Castiel started to follow the rest of the crowd out, he spotted Dean in the back hall, several feet away, talking to that same bulky man from earlier and the redhead. He couldn’t look away, he looked happy and healthy. He was petting Baby, talking animatedly to his friends as Baby nuzzled his shoulder.

“Are you a fan of my brother’s?” Castiel turned his head to his left, almost giving himself whiplash, upset with himself for not having noticed Johanna Winchester coming near him, too lost in staring at Dean.

Johanna watched the twink visibly freak out in front of her. He was in expensive designer sneakers and jeans with a Winchester Ranch t-shirt that was too big for him. His hands fidgeted and that’s when she saw the leather bracelet with the ‘Always with you’ clasp.

This was her brother’s ex from New York.

The realization must have been apparent on her face because the pretty blue eyed man in front of her looked ready to bolt. “You’re here to see Dean, you’re the designer from New York”

“No! Please don’t tell him I’m here, I’ll go” Castiel rushed to say, he turned to walk away but Jo reached out and grabbed his arm, both too surprised to notice Dean coming their way.

“Cas?” Castiel closed his eyes at Dean’s shocked and disbelieving tone. His Texas brawl doing nothing to help Castiel’s racing heart.

Dean would know that mop of dark wild hair anywhere. He felt dumbfounded and angry. He watched as his ex slowly turned to face him, keeping his blue eyes from meeting his own. He was visibly shacking and his hands were fidgeting. Dressed in jeans and Dean’s old Winchester Ranch that had obviously been worn more times than it should have by the faded look of it.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dean demanded. Johanna was looking at her brother with wide eyes. Dean looked livid, the only and last time she had seen him like that was when she was 16 years old and a much older man had trying forcing himself on her. Dean had been in a complete rage and beat the guy an inch of his life.

Seeing him now, looking at the twink who was clearly scared was a whole new experience for her.

Castiel winced at his ex’s harsh tone, feeling the anger rolling off of him in waves. He couldn’t speak, his lips trembled and tears blurred his eyes. He closed his eyes tightly, wishing he was anywhere but here, wanting the earth to swallow him whole.

Johanna watched as ‘Cas’ shook in place and tears ran down his cheeks, keeping his face down and away from Dean.

“You know what? I don’t care” Dean snarled, taking a step closer he reached up, none too gently gripped Castiel’s chin, making those beautiful and pain filled teary blue eyes look up at him. He wasn’t sure what angered him more, Castiel still being so pretty it made his heart hurt or that he still had a reaction to him. “I don’t want to see you, ever” Dean said through gritted teeth and released Castiel roughly, making him stumble backwards.

Castiel hiccuped and let out a small distressed sob, eyes taking in Dean’s angry green eyes and he turned and ran.

Johanna looked at her brother completely shocked. Dean was boiling, his eyes wide starring at Cas running. He clenched his jaw and just as Anna reached them, putting her hand on Dean’s shoulder, he jolted, looked at the redhead confused and turned and walked away from them.

Anna looked at Dean and the guy running that just turned a corner and looked at Jo. “What the hell just happened? Who was that guy?”

“That was Dean’s ex” Johanna state, still looking at were the blue eyed man disappeared.

“What?” Johanna turned to look at the stunt expression on Anna’s face. “That was a guy… right?”

Johanna’s eyes narrowed. “Yes. Dean doesn’t have a preference, I thought you knew that”

“I-I didn’t… I just would have never guessed”

Jo nodded and watched Anna turn away and started after a clearly very pissed off Dean.

Johanna hurried towards where Cas had ran and turned, not really expecting to see him, but then he was sitting on the ground, hiding his face in his hands as he cried as quietly as he could.

She stepped towards him, the sound of her boots on the gravel and dirt made Cas look up. Even with his face covered in tears and red, she had to admit her brother’s ex was a really beautiful twink. His bright blue eyes momentarily shined with hope till they focused on her and they dimmed.

That glimpse of hope had been for Dean, she knew that.

Cas stood up quickly. “I’m leaving” He said as if trying to appease her like she was the one angry with him.

“Wait”

The twink turned back to look at her, clearly confused. He looked so sad and broken, she wanted to understand why Dean had been angry with him.

She had seen Dean bump into ex’s a few times in their town and the encounters were always amicable, so why were things so different with this ex?

“Tell me what happened between you two” She said, stepping closer to him.

He just looked defeated and exhausted suddenly. “I wasn’t good enough for him. I never will be”

“What? That doesn’t sound like Dean at all”

“I betrayed him, emotionally and physically”

“You cheated on my brother?”

Castiel’s tears feel harder, he was so ashamed, he might as well bare his soul because there was no forgiveness coming his way. He didn’t deserve any. “Yes… and humiliated him… made fun him for what he couldn’t control…”

Johanna’s eyes widened. This twink had made fun of Dean for being unable to read and write. The one thing his brother couldn’t seem to be able to grasp, the one thing Dean was truly ashamed of.  
  
This explained Dean’s rage. Being cheated on and then bring up the reading and writing would do it.

“If I could take it all back I would…” Castiel wiped. “I’m not the sane person I was-“ He stated to explain but he stopped himself. It didn’t matter. Dean had been clear, he would never get to beg Dean for forgiveness, he would never be able to tell Dean how sorry he was… how much he missed him and needed him… he needed him so much…

But Dean had been clear and couldn’t be any more so.

He had wanted to hug Dean, to hold on to him and nuzzle his neck. Even in the brief seconds Dean was inches from him, the cowboy had indeed wore the cologne Castiel secretly loved.

He had gotten to see Dean and there was no hope the cowboy would ever look at him adoringly again. He would never hold him again, never kiss him again. Never call him sweetheart again. Never make him laugh and make him feel so cherished… Castiel had destroyed the only good thing in his life…

Johanna stood silent, watching the despair and pain wash over the twink's features and then the bright blue eyes, swimming in tears finally looked up at her, making her swallow hard at the complete misery in those eyes.

Castiel unclasped the bracelet and looked at it, his eyes glazed over as fresh tears fell from his eyes and he handed it to Johanna who slowly took it.

“I’m sure he won’t want it… but it’s the only thing I have left that means anything at all…” His voice cracked into a sob and Johanna’s own eyes teared.

Castiel then wiped his tears once more and looked up at her. He looked resolved and something about the sudden voided blue eyes scared her. “I won’t bother your brother ever again. I love him… I know he would never believe that… Please make sure he’s happy and forgets about me. He won’t have to worry about me ever again”

Johanna watched him turn and walk away from her. Her stomach twisted.

 

**#####**

 

Dean took off his t-shirt and reclaimed Anna’s lips and moved over her. They were in Dean’s bedroom on the ranch. Anna was shirtless with Dean groping her left breast over her laced white bra, making her moan into the kiss.

The cowboy was rough tonight, manhandling her. He was pulling at her jeans. She tried to get him to calm down, tried to keep his hands from gripping her tightly. She was going to have bruises. Anna moved up on the bed trying to put some space between them and pushed at him but it just made the cowboy try harder and he pulled her down towards him.

“Dean” She tried, but Dean wasn’t even there with her, he just seemed to need physical release and he wasn’t mentally there. “Dean!” She said, shoving him off of her.

“What?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What are you talking about?” He went to reach for her again but she stood from the bed and grabbed her blouse, putting back on.

“Your being rough and not in a fun or hot way. Your angry and its honestly scaring me” She told him, buttoning her blouse back up.

“Come on, don’t leave, I’m sorry” He said standing coming towards her.

She loved him, she did. He was sweet and caring plus ridiculously hot. He looked carved from stone, his chest toned and with just the right amount of chub around his stomach with strong muscled arms and shoulders. Handsome face, teasing perfect lips, straight nose and moss green eyes that bore into your soul.

But his rage was obvious and it had to do with his ex he saw today. He had been short tempered and in and out mentally since.

“I think whatever it is with your ex that’s still obviously unresolved, you need to figure it out”

“What! Anna come on, it’s done between him and I. I was just surprised to see him”

Anna just looked at him, she wanted to believe him, she did, but something felt off. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “No Dean, I just… something is different with you and it can't just be summed up as you being surprised. I’m gonna go. Figure yourself out”

And with that Dean watched her leave.

“Fuck!”

A knock sounded at his bedroom door and he looked up to find Sam. “You ok? Anna looked pretty upset just now”

Dean wiped his face with his hand. “Castiel was at the show today”

Sam’s eyebrows shot up and he came into the room as Dean walked over to his large window and looked out onto acres of the ranch. A brief memory of Castiel standing right where he was looking out that very window as it rained passed through him.

He licked his lips, frustrated and turned to look at his brother.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, he didn’t even look like himself”

“Did you talk to him?”

“No… I was too pissed off to see him and told him I didn’t want to see him ever”

Sam studied his brother a moment. Dean’s relationship with the designer had really hurt him. Dean had loved him, Sam was sure of it. The way his older brother spoke about him, the way he lit up when Castiel would call or when he knew he would see the blue eyed man, Dean looked happy.

He remembered one of the few times Castiel had come to the ranch and he had caught them making love in the horse barn in the hay. He had never seen his brother so wrapped up in someone. And the designer only had eyes for Dean.

“Dean what happened with you two, you never spoke about it” Sam asked gently.

When their relationship had ended, Dean had refused to talk about it and spent months riding and training the horses relentlessly, ignoring everything else.

“Dean!” Both brother’s turned around to find their sister running into the room. Dean went to her immediately.

“What? What’s wrong?” He grabbed her shoulders, checking to make sure she was alright.  
  
“I know your angry with him, but I think you should talk to him, I feel it Dean, I think something really bad is going to happen” Jo was on the verge of tears and neither brother had ever seen her like this.

“What are you talking about?”

She handed him the bracelet. “Your ex. He looked… Dean I don’t have a good feeling…”

 

**#####**

 

Castiel looked at lake Ray Hubbard. It was lightly illuminated at night. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing at the edge of the dock.

It shouldn’t be too hard, he didn’t know how to swim and there was no one around. His mind kept torturing him, playing memories of his time with Dean. He had fucked up so hard and even after a year… a year he thought he had changed and became a better person felt like nothing but lies… all lies.

Dean hated him, it didn’t matter that he changed if at all, because he was too late, he was nothing but a piece of shit that ruined the best thing that ever happened to him. Hurt the only man that had loved him… that had cherish HIM and not his money, not his status in the fashion world. Dean had only ever asked for him… just him.

Castiel couldn’t stop seeing the cowboy everywhere he went, couldn’t stop desperately wanting Dean's touch… he had always felt so safe and content in Dean’s arms… so happy… so wanted and loved… so loved…  
  
But he had to ruin it, had to sleep with Balthazar because… because what? Because he had been scared of Dean Winchester and what the cowboy represented.

He meant real love, real happiness and it was terrifying and Castiel had to destroy it… because he knew he didn’t deserve someone good and genuine like Dean Winchester.

Castiel edged closer to the edge of the dock, half of is feet hanging off, his vision blurry from his tears.

 

 

TBC


	2. Chapter Two

  
  
He stared at the dark water, the lights from the surrounding docks and buildings painting glows across it. He wanted to jump in, let its cold and murky water drag him down into the abyss of darkness. He didn’t want to feel anymore, he was tired of the pain, the constant ache, the swirl of emotions that would repeatedly unleash inside of him at any thought of Dean. He felt physically drained, his body exhausted, his insides constantly feeling void and empty.  
  
Ending it would be simple, no more hurting, no more thoughts… but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to die even though he felt like he was dead already, just a dark black hole. He still had Gabriel and his brother loved him, he didn’t want to hurt him by being selfish yet again. No, staying alive and carrying this torturous agony of how he had lost and destroyed the best thing he even had would be his eternal punishment.  
  
He thought about how all his life he had to be someone that he wasn’t, no one had liked him as a child, he always had to pretend to be someone else. After high school when he had entered college and went into designing, he was actually good at it and as he became successful, he got lost in the money and the power, wealth and fame it brought on. It all went to his head. His ego eat up all that popularity and people liked him, finally.  
  
But then when he met Dean, all of that came crashing down. He had realized all of his ‘friends’ liked him for his money, for his fame and what he represented, while Dean… Dean was as wealthy as he was yet he was humble and treated everyone with respect. Their dates rarely had anything to do with spending any money at all instead they would stay wrapped around each other.  
  
With Dean he could be himself... and that part of him he had never even knew had existed till Dean… All the cowboy had ever wanted was just him… nothing else.  
  
And it had scared him so much… he had sabotaged it. Sleeping with Balthazar twice and then making fun of Dean…  
  
He had never deserved the cowboy. Dean Winchester was genuine and good, honest and straight forward. What you saw was what you got and Castiel had been too scared, too overwhelmed. How could a man so perfect exist?  
  
The loud sound of country rock music sounded from across the lake and Castiel looked up to see a group of people dancing the Cowboy Cha Cha.  
  
Fresh tears hit his eyes as memories went through him.  
  
  
**///**  
_“Come on Sweetheart, I’ll show you. Come here” Dean was pulling him to the middle of his living room on the ranch. He put on a song called That’s My Kind of Night from someone called Luke Bryan._  
  
_Dean held him in front of him, back to his strong chest and started showing him a dance called the Cowboy Cha Cha._  
  
_Step, step, twist arms together._  
  
_Dean holding both of his hands, one over his shoulder guiding him around the room, spinning him to the beat. Castiel couldn’t stop smiling. This was so much fun and Dean was patient with his lack of knowledge._  
  
_Step, little step, step, kick out and back to the side then turned the other way and spin again._  
  
_It was easy following Dean, who was obviously a very good dancer. The cowboy’s hips swaying to the country rock beat, Castiel loved this._  
  
_A second song came on and Dean winked at him. “Just do what I do,” he said standing about a foot from him._  
  
_Dean put out his right foot, then back together, back out on his heel again and tapped the floor once, then did the same with his left foot. Castiel couldn’t stop smiling and was proudly following the steps. He repeated the steps two more times before they turned to the left, where Castiel had a perfect view of Dean’s broad back, perfect jean clad ass. Dean was swaying his hips to the song and Castiel did too. After swaying they turned back to their side and Dean took a step forward._  
  
_“Oh my god, you’re showing me how to line dance,” Castiel said giggling. Dean abandoned the song and lesson and grabbed him swirling him around._  
  
_“Do you like it?” Dean asked, lips a breath away from his._  
  
_“Yes, but I like the Cowboy Cha Cha more” Dean grinned and took him in his arms and positioned them, as they went around the room. Castiel still was a bit off but they were having fun._  
**///**  
  
  
Castiel hugged himself at the thought, watching the couples across the way, dancing. Dean had spent the whole weekend Castiel had been there showing him dances. Castiel had loved every second. Forgetting he was a famous designer, forgetting he was rich and snobby. He had just been a man, happily dancing wrapped up in the man he loved arms.  
  
  
**///**  
_“Cas come on, it’s easy you’ll see,” Castiel made his way over to his boyfriend. Castiel had on jeans a blue and grey plaid shirt and had actually bought cowboy boots. He had gone with Dean into town to get the right kind. Dean told him there was a big difference between being ‘stylish’ like Castiel liked and being ‘practical’ like Dean was. So they got him real full-grain leather brown boots._  
  
_“Alright, you see this? Put your left hand on the horse’s mane, grasp it firmly, while holding the front of the saddle, that’s it, good. Now place your left foot into the stirrup and swing your right foot over” Dean helped him and smiled. “Good! Ok let’s make sure both your feet are in both the stirrups.” Dean went around the beautiful grey spotted Andalusians mare. Castiel petted her neck while Dean checked his feet._  
  
_“Are they too long?”_  
  
_Castiel tested the length of his feet and stirrups. “No, I’m good”_  
  
_“Ok” Dean saddled Baby and came up close to Castiel. “You’re riding on Annabelle, she’s Baby’s favorite mare” He said winking, making Castiel blush. “Now hold the reins in one hand… just like that and now gently but firmly squeeze the horse’s side lightly to make her walk.”_  
  
_Castiel was feeling a bit giddy. Annabelle was walking forward and Dean was following next to him. He smiled nervously at Dean who just watched him intently. “I’m actually riding a horse!” Dean made it look so easy and simple but it was a bit terrifying. Sitting on top of such a beautiful and powerful creature was amazing. Feeling the horse’s muscles under him as it moved… it was surreal._  
  
_“Doing real good, Sweetheart, now if you want to turn, look the way you want to turn and tighten the rein on the side you want to go”_  
  
_Castiel nodded and tried to turn towards the pasture. Annabelle responded and went where he wanted. Castiel smiled brightly at his triumph and looked at Dean who was proudly looking at him, following closely._  
  
_After a few more minutes of randomly making the horse go straight or turn left and then right, Dean pulled Baby up next to Annabelle. “Do you want to try and trot?”_  
  
_“Yes”_  
  
_“Ok, squeeze gently and make a clucking sound” Dean said and did so, Baby started off into a trot._  
  
_Castiel petted Annabelle, squeezed her sides carefully and mimicked Dean’s clucking sound and off she went._  
  
_They rode like that for about an hour. Castiel could feel his thighs and ass muscles starting to hurt. At least he knew for sure now how Dean got his perfect round ass and thigh muscles so toned._  
  
_Dean had been taking them through a trail on his property and they ended up at a clearing off a small hill overlooking the sunset over a lavender field._  
  
_Dean was off his horse and helped Castiel off of his. The designer couldn’t look away from the breath taking view. Dean tied the horse near a small tree and looked at Castiel’s awe stricken gaze, mouth agape._  
  
_The cowboy bit his lip and went about continuing his surprise while Castiel was busy smiling and watching butterflies and bees dancing over the flowers. By the time Castiel turned towards Dean, the Cowboy was sitting on a red and white checkered quilt, a picnic basket next to him and a beer in hand, green eyes watching him._  
  
_“Dean…” Castiel was trying not to cry, the cowboy could be so romantic and corny, but Castiel loved it, no one had ever treated him like this, looked at him like he was everything and it filled him with a warm feeling. Yet he was still scared because he knew he was in love with Dean Winchester, but he was too scared and he couldn’t find the courage to admit it out loud, not even to himself._  
  
_Dean just smiled at him and Castiel went to him. Dean pulled him down onto his knees and kissed him. “I made sandwiches and brought strawberries, I got your favorite wine, beers for me” Castiel couldn’t stop kissing him. They eat cuddled together watching the sunset, the sky turning different shades of orange, pinks and purples._  
  
_The cowboy lit a small old fashion oil lantern, making a warm glow. Their kisses became deeper, hungrier and needy. Castiel pulled at Dean’s white button up, removing in from his lover’s delicious chest. He kissed and liked at Dean’s sensitive nipples as Dean hissed and pulled at his own shirt. There was a sudden rush, both wanting the other desperately and they stood, removing their boots and jeans, lips constantly on each other’s like they needed air. Castiel then dropped to his knees and started to worship Dean’s very hard and ready cock. Dean moaned and laced his fingers in Castiel’s messy hair._  
  
_“So good…” Dean bit his lip, loving Castiel’s mouth stretched around the girth of his cock, blue eyes looking up at him and fuck. Dean stopped him or he would come too soon._  
  
_As he pulled him off, Castiel turned to stay on his hands and knees, giving Dean a great view of his ass. Dean stroke himself once, twice just to release some pressure at the sexy and downright sinful image Castiel made. Presenting his pretty pink hole for him, blue eyes looking at him over his shoulder._  
  
_Dean sank to his knees and his hand started to roam over his lover’s body. “So gorgeous Sweetheart” He said kissing and nipping at his spine, licking down from Castiel’s neck down his back slowly, till he reached his round ass, palming and spreading the cheeks, making Castiel tremble in anticipation._  
  
_Castiel moaned and went down on his elbows, hiding his face in his arms as Dean licked him open, so wet and so good. Dean swirled his tongue and pushed in. Castiel was still a bit stretched from their love making last night and Dean easily inserted two fingers alongside his tongue. “Dean…”_  
  
_Dean loved how he tasted, loved how responsive and completely gone he could render his beautiful lover._  
  
_“Please… please Dean….” And he absolutely loved when Castiel begged, making needy and desperate sounds, wanting him inside of him, filling him so fully._  
  
_Dean grabbed the bottle of lube he brought and slicked his cock and Castiel’s pretty hole, easing three fingers into him, making the designer moan and spread his legs wider apart. He was such a little cock slut but Dean would never call him that out loud._  
  
_He retreated his fingers and positioned himself and pushed in, making Castiel cry out in a long and low punched out moan as Dean slid into him. Dean caressed Castiel’s back, his skin covered in a light sheet of sweat, muscles shaking as Dean finally bottomed out._  
  
_Dean reveled in the tight wet heat and then draped himself over his lover who rolled his hips back against Dean, telling him he was ready. Dean started a slow pace but Castiel wasn’t having any of that. “…harder Dean… harder” And Dean gave him what he wanted. He lifted Castiel’s hips up off the quilt and thrusted deep and fast, sharp gasps flying from Castiel’s mouth._  
  
_The designer couldn’t speak, barely able to suck in a breath as Dean fucked him mercilessly and fuck it felt so good, feeling completely owned and manhandled. He almost cried when Dean suddenly pulled out and then next thing he knew he was being flipped over and Dean was on him in seconds, pushing himself back into his tight heat, claiming and devouring his mouth._  
  
_He wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders, nails digging in and scratching as the Cowboy pounded into him, his cock head hitting his sweet spot and then Castiel saw stars, coming between them in hot spurs, untouched and screaming Dean’s name, scaring birds from trees nearby._  
  
_Dean’s thrust became erratic and desperate and after three more pumps, Castiel felt himself be filled, deep inside of him._  
**///**  
  
  
Castiel couldn’t stop the tears. He could remember every second, every moment he had spent with the love of his life… that’s what Dean was, the love of his life and he had never told him, never told Dean he loved him… too scared… to much of a coward, because why would Dean love him back? But he had… Castiel was sure Dean had…  
  
  
**///**  
_Dean was visiting him in New York and Castiel took him sight-seeing and Dean wanted to try a pizza in every neighborhood they went to._  
  
_They had taken pictures in the middle of Times Square and Dean had been shocked to see the famous ‘Naked Cowboy’ and Castiel had insisted they took a picture with the guy. Dean and the Naked Cowboy posed flexing an arm and their other hand holding their hats. Castiel had laughed at Dean and the Naked Cowboy as they did their best ‘blue steel’ look._  
  
_At the top of the Statue of Liberty the view had been breath taking. Castiel had lived all his life in New York and had never been to Liberty Island. He watched Dean with his big happy smile, looking out over the view, the cold air making his cheeks rosy. Castiel had been able to sneak a picture or two of Dean without his knowledge just looking gorgeous and eyes in wonder. Castiel hadn’t been able to look away from the cowboy, he just watched Dean till he turned towards him. Dean smiled at him, eyes twinkling and reached for him, kissing him breathless._  
  
_Central Park had been romantic. They had taken a horse and carriage ride, making out like teenagers as they went around. Castiel completely consumed by Dean, melted against him like Dean was his white knight. The cowboy had even gotten him a rose from a street vendor. Castiel smelled it and kept it all day._  
  
_At the Empire State Building, they eat at the State Grill & Bar and Dean had been in love with the bacon, cheese and jalapeno tater tots and had the New York Strip while Castiel stole a few of the delicious tater tots and had the braised lamb shank. They had been lucky enough to get a table with a great view of the city._  
  
_The Rockefeller Center had been on Castiel’s to-do list for a long time, but he had never admitted that to anyone, but when Dean had showed him his ‘I want to visit’ list and it was on there, he couldn’t help the smile that had hit his lips. They took the tour along with three other couples, Dean held his hand the whole time and they had ended the visit at the top of the Rock Observation Deck._  
  
_After Rockefeller, they stayed at the Towers of Waldorf close by. Dean had insisted they only get a small room. They were only using it for the night. Both exhausted, Dean pulled him into the shower and washed Castiel head to toe, kissing him, nipping at his skin as he went. Castiel was hard and completely turn on._  
  
_“Dean…” He moaned as his lover started to lick him open. Castiel was leaning heavily against the tile wall of the shower while Dean was on his knees behind him, spreading his ass cheeks and licking him eagerly, passing the flat of his tongue over his hole, making the designer whimper. Dean hummed and swirled his tongue around the tight rim and pushed his tongue inside, loving how responsive Castiel was, moaning and pushing back against him. “Dean…ohhhh….”_  
  
_Dean slid in one finger with his tongue, in and out, going slow, purposely making Castiel crazy. “More… please….yess” Castiel hissed as Dean slid in two fingers now, watching his fingers get practically sucked in by Castiel’s greedy hole._  
  
_“So hungry for me sweetheart” He said, biting lightly at Castiel’s perky left ass cheek._  
  
_Before long he had three fingers in, pumping in a steady rhythm, twisting and hitting Castiel’s sweet spot, knowing exactly where it was._  
  
_Castiel was moaning loud, echoing off the tiled walls in the room, pushing back against Dean’s finger, blatantly and clearly not caring how he looked or sounded, was completely lost in the sensations his lover was giving him._  
  
_Dean was standing now, kissing and nipping at his neck, fingers vibrating inside Castiel against that perfect spot, while Dean’s other hand stroked him in sync with his fingers._  
  
_When Dean sucked at that one spot under Castiel’s ear he was done, he came screaming Dean’s name, white stripes painting the wall tiles and Dean’s hand milking him till he was trembling. Dean removed his fingers from him and held him against his chest. “I got you sweetheart”_  
  
_Castiel’s heart was beating out his chest, his legs felt like jell o and he was glad Dean was holding him or he would of crumbled to the floor in a pile of goo because that’s how good Dean made him feel._  
  
_Dean guided them out of the shower and sat Castiel on the closed toilet seat, drying him with a towel and himself before picking Castiel up in his strong arms, bridal style and took them to bed. Castiel was half asleep already after the day they had and then Dean making him feel so amazing. He wanted to return the favor and made a mental note to wake up Dean in the morning with a blow job. The Cowboy slid into the bed and Castiel rolled towards him, cuddling himself against the strong and warm chest, nuzzling it and was asleep the second Dean’s arms wrapped around him._  
  
_Castiel woke the next morning to Dean softly snoring. He smirked and disappeared under the sheets. He was pleased to see that Dean was already half hard, the man was a morning lover. He’d woken Castiel up enough times with his morning wood for him to know._  
  
_He licked at the underside of Dean’s massive cock and smiled when it twitched. He swirled the head with his tongue before sucking on it and he heard Dean moan and make a sharp gasp as Castiel swallowed as much of him as possible. His hand worked the base and caressed the Cowboy’s balls and Dean was completely hard now. He continued and could hear Dean’s moans and growls and suddenly the sheet that had been covering him was lifted and lust filled green eyes were looking down at him and Dean was rolling his bottom lip between his teeth._  
  
_“Morning Sweetheart, I like how you think” Dean was caressing his face as he continued to bob his head up and down, swirling his tongue at the head, dipping the tip in the slit before downing almost all of Dean in one fast go. He could feel his lover was close as Dean pushed his head down harder. Castiel relaxed his jaw and let Dean fuck his mouth. He gagged a few times as Dean’s cock hit the back of his throat but was able to continue without them having to stop and then the Cowboy exploded in his mouth and Castiel swallowed every drop as Dean continue thrusting his hips into his mouth as he rode his orgasm out._  
  
_“Fuck Cas… so good”_  
  
_After that, they got ready for their day on Coney Island. They checked out and went to a nearby store to get sunscreen, beach towels, flip flops and Castiel had to try to convince Dean to get a different bathing suit._  
  
_“What’s wrong with these?” Dean had on his red Speedos. Castiel licked his lips. There was really nothing wrong with them at all except they left nothing to the imagination with Dean’s above average size._  
  
_“Nothing, never mind” Dean grinned at him and they left the store. They took the Metro to Coney Island. When they got there Dean saw they had an ice skating ring and wanted to go._  
  
_Both had no clue how to skate and were both trying to keep the other up. They fell quite a few times, laughing and kissing till Castiel’s ass had enough. “I’m going to have a permanent bruise” He whined._  
  
_Dean grinned and helped him get out of the ice rink. “I’ll kiss it later” Castiel had smiled at that. They walked the board walk, laid on the beach, Castiel greatly enjoyed putting sunscreen on Dean’s body, gaining envious looks from both men and women._  
  
_After Coney Island they went to Chinatown were Castiel had tried showing Dean how to eat with chopsticks which had been hilarious. Their waiter had even been nice enough to try to teach Dean a few Chinese words. Castiel’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much, watching his boyfriend, a Texas Cowboy, hat and all that towered over the small Chinese man that tried to teach him ‘Thank you’ in his native tongue was adorable._  
  
_They then took to the Brooklyn Bridge by cab, Dean holding his hand to whole time, looking out the window like the actual tourist he was._  
  
_They ended the two day trip taking the Staten Island Ferry at sunset. Dean had held him and kissed him deeply, both exhausted yet so very happy._  
  
_“Your hair looks crazy,” Dean said, smiling and watching the winds twirl Castiel’s hair, dancing in the wind._  
  
_“I’m surprised your hat is still on” Castiel had mused, the wind was blowing strong especially around the water. It was very chilly and as soon as the words left his mouth, a gust of wind attempted to lift Dean’s hat._  
  
_The Cowboy quickly held it down, making Castiel laugh when Dean made a face at him. Castiel pulled him down and kissed him. Dean wrapped his arms around him, warming him to his core and deepened the kiss passionately. Castiel moaned into the steamy and sultry embrace, both completely lost in the other’s mouth._  
  
_The wind picked up again and this time took Dean’s hat, yanking it right off his head and high into the sky. They both pulled back, stunned, looking up at the hat as it flew up and danced across the river._  
  
_Dean looked back down at him, hair wild and green eyes shining. Perfect white smile and rosy cheeks from the cold. He was so handsome Castiel’s heart beat faster and as Dean took his lips again, he completely melted into the cowboy._  
  
_When they had finally reached Castiel’s penthouse, Dean had pulled him into the shower, devouring his mouth and to Dean’s surprise, Castiel started to open himself up on his own fingers. “Fuck, that’s so hot” Dean had growled against him._  
  
_Castiel pulled him into the bedroom, both still wet and not caring. “I want you now” Castiel growled, laying himself down on his back and lubed his hole as Dean positioned himself over him. He pushed in slowly, watching Castiel throwing his head back into the pillows, hands grasping the bedsheets. Dean pushed in slowly till he was fully inside, moaning at the incredible heat._  
  
_“Feels so good, Sweetheart” Dean leaned down and kissed him, one hand caressing Castiel’s flushed face. The designer wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, needing to touch him, to feel him. Dean started a slow torturous pace, dragging little whimpers and gasps from Castiel lips, licking and nipping at his neck._  
  
_“Dean…” Dean licked into his mouth, claiming every inch, sloppily biting his lower lip, growling against him as he rolled his hips, making them both moan. Dean speed up slightly, enjoying the nails digging into his back and shoulder, loving how Castiel opened his legs wider and his toes slid up and down his thighs._  
**///**  
  
  
Castiel had been so lost in his thoughts and happy memories, he hadn’t realized someone was coming up behind him on the wooden dock. He didn’t hear or feel the heavy cowboy boots walking on the planks.  
  
“Cas”  
  
That however did snap him out of his daze. As his surroundings came back into focus, he realized how very close to the edge of the dock he was and took great control not to freak out and fall. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, making himself take a step back and when he was finally about two steps away, he looked behind him to find Dean standing there.  
  
He turned away and closed his eyes again because Dean couldn’t really be standing there. It was his mind playing with him. After spending however long he had been out here thinking about the man.  
  
“Cas, what are you doing?” No. That voice was very real, and Castiel could hear the restrain the cowboy was putting on his voice. Trying not to be angry or maybe panic. But why would Dean panic?  
  
He turned to face Dean then. He knew he was a mess, still in his clothes from earlier, a bit cold now. Tear stained face and eyes still swimming in them, his face red from crying. He knew how he must have looked.  
  
Dean took a step towards him and Castiel couldn’t stop the small whine that left his mouth as he kept his eyes on the man’s legs and boots.  
  
“Do you think that this is what I want?” He had wondered that, if he was gone, if he would care…  
  
Castiel just shrugged, he couldn’t speak, didn’t know what to even say.  
  
Dean took another step towards him and Castiel’s heart raced. “I’m mad at you yes, but I don’t want you dead”  
  
Castiel just nodded, trying his best to keep more tears from falling. Of course Dean cared and the ache in his heart hurt more somehow.  
  
Dean sighed and Castiel knew without looking at him that Dean wiped his face with his hand. That’s what he always did when he was upset or trying to figure out how to say something, collect his words.  
  
“Why are you here? Why were you at the shows, I don’t understand”  
  
The former designer didn’t answer for a long time. The wind caressed them and passed between them carrying scents of food and Dean’s cologne along with the sounds of music and laughter from the party across the lake from.  
  
“I-I saw you on the magazines and I… I just had to see you.” Castiel’s voice so small and raw. He looked up at Dean then because despite everything he wanted to see him, the overwhelming need was torturous and Dean was just a few short feet away. Of course he looked perfect like he always did. Blue jeans, tucked in white t-shirt with a blue and white plaid open over shirt, white hat and tan boots that matched his belt. A shadow of scruff graced his jaw, it had already started to grow since this morning. ”How did you find me?”  
  
“I called Gabe, asked him where you were staying. I saw someone standing here and I took a chance.” Castiel nodded, Gabriel must be worried. “You should call him.” After a moment, Dean rubbed the back of his neck and turned to leave.  
  
Castiel was moving before he realized it and grabbed Dean’s shirt, gripping it tightly with both of his hands, making Dean stay still as he starred at the strong back of his ex. “Dean please… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for what I did… please…” He was crying again and fuck he was so tired of crying but he couldn’t stop the ball of emotions inside of him, it threatened to consume him whole. He plastered himself against Dean’s back, selfishly taking the chance to touch him, smell him, to feel him against him because he NEEDED, so badly…  
  
“I forgive you.” Dean’s voice was calm and low with a hint of pain. He had done that to him, hurt him and Castiel hated himself, he didn’t deserve Dean’s forgiveness but he would take it, because he was selfish and he knew that.  
  
“I want you back Dean… please… tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it… please Dean.” He was begging and sobbing and he didn’t care, he wanted him back.  
  
Dean moved to turn around and Castiel reluctantly let him go. He was now looking up at the jade green eyes he loved so much and was surprised to see tears in them. Dean looked so sad and it made his stomach twist.  
  
“Did you sleep with that guy after I left?” He had not expected that question.  
  
“No… that night after you left I went after you, but you were already gone by the time I went downstairs… I haven’t seen or talked to Balthazar or any of those people since that horrible night.” Dean looked surprised by his answer, he supposed he deserved that.  
  
Dean looked way and licked his lips as a tear fell from his right eye. Castiel had hurt him so much. “I love you, Dean” Dean’s wide green eyes looked at him shocked and then glared at him. Castiel pressed on. “It took for me to lose you to realize and admit it but I always knew… you scared me so much, I was this different me with you, a me I didn’t recognize. I always had but never could be because of the fake world I had wrapped myself in, with the money, fame and the stuck up ‘friends’ that were never friends. I lost who I was in that would, I didn’t know what a horrible person I had become and somehow you still wanted me… and I was ME again with you. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t…”  
  
He felt bold and took a step towards the Cowboy and placed a shaking hand on Dean’s chest. “I want you back, Dean… please, I’ll do anything”  
  
Dean had tears silently falling down his cheeks as he shook his head slowly. “I can’t… I can’t be with you, Cas”  
  
“Dean, please-“  
  
“I can’t trust you, Cas. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.”  
  
Dean saw it, saw it in Castiel’s blue eyes. His heart shattered into tiny pieces as his hand fell from Dean’s chest, like he had suddenly been punched in the gut. But Dean wasn’t done, he took a shaky breath and looked at Castiel in the eyes. “I love you too, Cas, but you broke my trust and I can’t be with you. I can’t make myself crazy every time we are apart wondering who your with and if your cheating on me, or calling me a dumb redneck cause I can’t…” Dean couldn’t finish the sentence and looked away.  
  
He took a breath and suddenly grabbed Castiel, kissing him hard. It was all teeth and anger, regret mixed with need and Castiel matched it, desperately trying to show Dean he was sorry, he would do anything to take it all back, to have him back.  
  
When Dean pulled back, he still held Castiel’s face, his right thumb caressing his kiss swollen lip as Dean’s tears still fell and his eyes focused between Castiel’s lips and eyes. “I can’t,” he whispered and released the dazed and confused designer.  
  
Dean turned on his heels and walked away, hearing Castiel cry out for him as the blue eyed broken man crumbled to the dock, wailing.  
  
  
**TBC**


	3. Announcement

  
****  
This story has NOT been abandoned, not at all. Life just kinda got crazy and I couldn't make up my mind on the ending. So, this story will have two alternate endings. One will be a sad ending while the other will be a happy ending.  
  
Very soon  
  
Chapter Four will be the Sad Alternate ending ; Broken  
Chapter Five will be the Happy Alternate ending ; Blue Skies  
  
Working on them as we speak and I am trying my very best to get these done for all of you that have been very patient as soon as possible and I cannot express enough how much I appreciate all of you. I really hope you will enjoy or cry at my endings =)  
  



	4. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is alternate ending number one; Broken. 
> 
>  
> 
> **WARNING!!! MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, SUICIDE.**
> 
>  
> 
> This was the original ending but because many asked for a happy ending, the next chapter will be alternate ending number two; Blue Skies. The happy ending which will be posted soon.
> 
> Thank you to everyone that stuck with this story, its one of my favorites. Hope you enjoy.

  
  
**New York**  
  
The beauty of the autumn mid-morning was breath taking. The red and orange leaves covering the grounds and enhancing the sun’s brightness through the colored leaves in the trees, making their barks even darker.  
  
Castiel had loved this time of year.  
  
Dressed in his black jeans, black cowboy boots, black bottom up shirt and tie and his black jacket, the Cowboy stood silently at the foot of the very recently dirt covered resting place of his ex-lover. The head stone a simple and small standing up gray granite stone, only displaying ‘Castiel Novak’ and nothing else, not even the date of his birth or the date he took his own life, just a week ago.  
  
It felt like a horrible nightmare Dean was stuck in and couldn’t wake up from. He held his black hat in his hands, tears drowning his eyes as he could only stare at the sunflowers he had just placed on the grave.  
  
Castiel’s name was blurred by his tears and he closed his eyes, hating himself for ever letting this happen.  
  
He had just been honest with how he felt, he wasn’t able to trust the designer after what had happened… and Castiel hadn’t taken it well but Dean had never thought this would happen. Yet part of him said he should have known… when he had found Castiel at the edge of the dock that night, Castiel had-  
  
“Took you long enough to show up” Dean didn’t need to turn around to guess who was walking towards him, voice filled with hatred.  
  
Dean said nothing as the shorter man came to stand next to him. Both stood for what felt like hours as orange and brown leaves fell gently to the grounds around them from the season’s cool breeze.  
  
“I was here the whole time. I just wanted to be alone with him, not surrounded by the reporters” Dean said quietly, voice drained and raw. He couldn’t look away from the grave in front of him.  
  
He had stayed in the car while the proceedings of Castiel’s friends and family, all three of them, had stood with the priest, as they each had words, reporters all around them, no shame and not caring to leave the people present some respect and privacy to morn but no, they were like Hyenas, relentless and without compassion. So Dean had stayed in his car till they left.  
  
Truth was he had hidden himself. Ever since Castiel’s suicide, the media followed him everywhere, trying to get a sound bite for their story, wanting to know what had recently happened to push his ex over the edge, when according to their records, the love story between the Designer and the Cowboy had supposedly ended over a year ago.  
  
As far as Dean was concerned, none of it was any of their damn business.  
  
Gabriel sniffling and blowing his nose next to him reminded him he wasn’t the only one affected by all of this. When he had told Castiel he couldn’t be with someone he didn’t trust it had been the truth, he just couldn’t… he thought yes, Castiel was obviously very upset at the time, but it had been almost a year they had been over already so Dean thought Castiel would just move on and forget him, even if Dean never forgot him.  
  
The Cowboy had loved him, love the sassy little designer so much, he missed him every day but when Castiel had betrayed him, Dean couldn’t let it go, couldn’t forgive the betrayal. He had broken his trust and Dean couldn’t just brush it off.  
  
That night on the docks had been overwhelming and emotional but he had been honest with himself and Castiel.  
  
This however had not been the outcome he saw coming. He had thought Castiel would find someone else eventually and be loved and hopefully learned his lesson in betraying someone and go on and be happy. Dean knew that if he saw Castiel with someone else it would hurt, painfully so, but he had wanted Castiel happy and that was no longer with him.  
  
Dean hadn’t wanted to be together when there was no trust. Haunting thoughts and what ifs while they would be apart, making him crazy thinking Castiel would be cheating and talking about him and what Dean didn’t want was to resent his ex, he didn’t want the betrayal to tarnish his happy memories of them and go back into the relationship on eggshells wondering what Castiel was doing every second they weren’t together he just couldn’t do it.  
  
“Three weeks… he was back three weeks after seeing you in Texas and he…” Gabriel took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and pain of lost as he shivered. “How did you hear about his…“ He couldn’t finish the words.  
  
Dean swallowed hard and wiped his tear filled face with his hand before pinching the bridge of his nose.  
  
“I was out late the night before… we were celebrating…” Dean’s voice broke, because now he knew where the anonymous donation of three million had come from…. “We had gotten a huge donation. It was anonymous… we weren’t in the hole by any means but that kind of money we… I didn’t realize then that it was Cas… Sam and I went to dinner and brainstormed how to make the most of the donation, enhance the ranch. Reinforce and upgrade before adding anything new to the ranch. We drank a lot and the next morning I decided to sleep in…”  
  
  
**///**  
_Dean was snoring, passed out on his stomach, sheets tangled around his hips when his sister Jo burst into the room, shook him violently to wake up. “Dean get up! Come quick!” She yelled, her voice filled with panic._  
  
_“What? What? I’m up what?” Dean wasn’t coherent when Jo started to pull at him to get out of his bed. Dean growled and yanked his arm back glaring at her. “What the hell Jo!?”_  
  
_The Cowboy just watched his sister looking pale and angry and had… tears. Dean bolted from the bed and grabbed her by the shoulders. “What’s wrong?”_  
  
_Jo wiped her face and silently took his hand and pulled him out of his room, dressed only in his dark green boxers and led him to the living room where Sam and Benny stood starring at the TV._  
  
_“What the fuck is going on?” Dean demanded getting irritated when Benny pointed at the TV and Sam un-muted the news._  
  
  
**(Breaking News; Famous designer Castiel Novak dead at 36) Was scrolling across the bottom of the screen, while two news anchors, a blonde woman with too much make-up, and a man with a sprayed on tan with a comb over were going on about theories.  
**   
**/Famous New York Designer Castiel Novak was found dead this morning in his apartment from an apparent suicide. His brother Gabriel Novak found him unresponsive at around nine a.m. and called 911 immediately.  
**   
**Sources say the designer had been very depressed since last year after his failed romance with internationally known rancher and cowboy Dean Winchester./  
**   
**/Mr. Novak was known to be an eccentric celebrity and was very demanding and famous for not only his fashion line but his world known temper tantrums.**  
  
**Sources say when his relationship with Winchester ended last year, the designer had resigned from his own company, handing it over to his brother before selling many of his own assets and moved in with his brother. Others had been quoted to say he had been doing well after a few months and cannot understand what events brought Novak to take his own life.  
**   
**Rumors as well as pictures of the designer were taken in Texas just last month, speculated that Novak had gone to see Winchester. No one knows for sure the events that occurred but many are blaming Winchester for Novak’s demise. /**  
  
  
_Dean sank to his knees, numb. Castiel was dead… Castiel had taken his own life…_  
  
_Tears overflowed and spilled down Dean’s face, his heart pounded and he could only hear his blood rushing and nothing else. He blinked furiously as the news showed a video clip of Gabriel screaming and crying, being held back by officers as Castiel’s body was wheeled out of the building with nothing but a shear white sheet covering him._  
  
_Dean covered his mouth he was going to be sick and he couldn’t move, his entire body convulsed and he started to dry heave. Sam came rushing towards him with a trash bind._  
  
_The realization hit him then… the money, the enormous donation. Dean emptied the contents of his stomach._  
  
_The news flashed pictures of Castiel in happier times and even showed one of them together of last year in November holding hands walking in New York._  
  
_Dean covered his face in his hand as pain filled sobs wrecked through him. He had never wanted this, not this!_  
  
_Castiel… he closed his eyes and let out the most primal pain filled roar._  
**///**  
  
  
A leaf tainted red and orange brushed passed Dean’s face as it settled on the fresh dirt of Castiel’s grave. The grounds were quiet except for a few bird songs drifting through. The weather beautiful and cool, making the day feel surreal to Dean.  
  
He was angry, angry at himself, angry at Castiel for doing this…  
  
The Cowboy looked over at the shorter man to his right before his green eyes went back to Castiel’s engraved name in the headstone. “How did you…”  
  
Gabriel closed his eyes, letting tears slid down his red cheeks from the breeze that lifted every few minutes.  
  
“I thought he was ok… I didn’t… I didn’t realize what he was doing…” The short man blew his nose before whipping his face with the tissue. “He was ok at first. When you guys broke up last year, he took it really hard, but he decided to change and he was getting better, smiling and trying to be himself.” He started. “He would still have set backs whenever he saw a horse or your name and damn face but then there was nothing for months and he was ok, a little sad but ok. Then last month he saw your face on those magazines, doing the show and all that and he had just gotten into his head that he had to see you. I tried talking him out of it but he wouldn’t listen he had to see you. He said he wasn’t going to talk to you, he just wanted to see you and your horse in the competition…”  
  
Dean flexed his jaw and closed his eyes, remembering when he had seen Castiel and how angry he had been.  
  
  
_“Cas?”_  
_“What the hell are you doing here?”_  
_“You know what? I don’t care”_  
_“I don’t want to see you, ever”_  
  
  
Castiel had looked destroyed and ran away from him.  
  
“When he came back, he didn’t talk, didn’t look up at me, said nothing and just went to his room. I knew it had been a bad idea for him to go, I knew it wasn’t a good idea. He never told me what happened, all I ever got was when you called me asking me where he was staying that night, he didn’t call and I didn’t hear from him till he just walked back into the house like a zombie.” Gabriel went on. “The first week he just stayed in his room and in bed, didn’t eat and wouldn’t even shower and he refused to talk to me. I just thought he needed time to deal with whatever had happened….  
  
The second week, I found him sitting up and typing away on his computer and was on the phone. I was relived, I thought ok he snapped out of it and he’s figuring out his next projects or maybe scheduling with knew merchants, looking at knew materials and fabrics always inspired him…” Gabriel let out a shivering breath. “So I thought ok, he’ll be fine. I had to leave for a few days, meeting one of our vendors for new products and sales. I got back Thursday late at night so I got home and went straight to bed. Friday morning I saw him, drinking his black coffee on the balcony, I said a quick ‘hi’ and left for the office. Friday night was the last time I saw him. He made lasagna, the three cheese one, my favorite and we had dinner. He laughed at my jokes and talked about going somewhere, he just kept saying he needed to leave, I thought he meant going to Europe or Paris, he loved Paris.” Gabriel stopped and looked up at Dean. “He was telling me he was leaving me, kept telling me he will miss me and I didn’t understand what he was saying, I didn’t see it… He hugged me which that in itself should have been a red flag but I was so happy to see him up and around that I didn’t think…” Gabriel looked up towards the sky, silent tears still sliding down his cheeks slowly. “I have a routine on Saturday mornings. I get up, check my bank accounts and stats of my stocks… then I have breakfast and go for a run… when I checked my account, it had way more zeros then it usually did and then I saw the transfer from Castiel’s account and my heart stopped. I just thought ‘why the hell did he transfer all this into my account’ and then my feet were moving before my brain caught up and I barged into his room and he was just lying there… looking like he was just sleeping… he was so pale… he was holding on to that one shirt of yours he had kept all this time” Fresh tears filled Gabriel’s eyes as his face twisted in pain at the memory of finding his baby brother’s body, lifeless and cold.  
  
They stayed quiet once more, both just staring at the grave and the sunflowers Dean had laid there.  
  
“He left a note, to you and me” Gabriel told him, making the taller man look over to him and took the folded piece of paper Gabriel was handing him.  
  
  
__**This will be my last selfish act… I tried, I did but I just can’t, I can’t breathe, I can’t think, everything just hurts. All I feel is pain and this hole inside of me, eating me and I’m just so tired…  
**   
__**I love you, I’m sorry  
**   
__**Please don’t hate me… either of you  
**   
_**Castiel**_  
  
  
Dean had no idea how to take this, it made his heart ache and his chest heaved.  
  
“He swallowed two full bottles of sleeping pills… I found out later that, that week I saw him working on his laptop and on the phone, that he was making his own final arrangements and paid them ahead of time. He picked out this spot, he picked out his own headstone, his casket and then made sure that his will and testament read that half of his estate was mine and the other half yours.” Gabriel took a step backwards before turning to walk away. “He was planning his death since he came back from Texas, didn’t want to be a bother and planned out his own funeral, all the way down to the last cent”  
  
Dean watched Gabriel go and then turned back to the grave and the small head stone that said nothing but Castiel Novak.  
  
Dean would never forget him, never let the memories of their time together be tarnished by its end, but instead he would cherish every memory because he would always love him, even when this would haunt him for the rest of his life.  
  
  
**End**


	5. Blue Skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is alternate ending number two; Blue Skies.
> 
> Here is the Happy Ending you have all been waiting for! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone that stuck with this story, its one of my favorites. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> //Italics means memories//

  
**New York**  
  
The loud vibration sound was starting to really get annoying. The sound would go off for minutes on end and then stop, only to start over again.  
  
Castiel groaned. He kept his eyes closed tightly as he blindly reached for his phone on the night stand. The room was much too bright for his liking.  
  
“Hello?” He mumbled angrily into the phone. He hadn’t bothered looking who it was calling him, his head was pounding and he just couldn’t open his eyes yet.  
  
“Cassie! Are you still in bed? It’s one in the afternoon” Gabriel’s cheery voice boomed over the speaker making Castiel wince and pull the phone away from his ear.  
  
“Call you back” He murmured and hung up before Gabriel could reply.  
  
He turned over in his bed and sighed. Something was off. Something didn’t feel quite right. He opened his eyes, squinting painfully and tried to focus. His face felt stiff and his throat was so dry it bordered painful. As his vision came to, he realized very quickly he was on his very expensive thousand dollar plus bed sheets. Sferra sheets. Sferra sheets that smelled like Dean…  
  
He spun around and sat up, hating himself for it the instant his brain pounded against his skull. He palmed his temples, closed his eyes tightly. His heart was beating fast and as his hands slid down from his temples to his face… his face was stiff because of tears, dried tears were all over his face.  
  
  
_“I can’t… I can’t be with you Cas”_  
  
_“Dean please-“_  
  
_“I can’t trust you Cas. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.”_  
  
  
Castiel’s eyes snapped open and he looked around the room wide eyed. He was in his bed in his bedroom, in his penthouse… He stood ignoring the pain of his head and looked on the right side of the bed.  
  
Dean’s extra charger was still plugged into the wall. Dean’s American Cowboy and Horse  & Rider magazines were on the night stand, one opened at a page of an interview he did about the Winchester Ranch… Castiel had read it to him…. Castiel rushed to ‘Dean’s’ drawer, top left on Castiel’s massive dresser. He pulled it open and Dean’s jeans, t-shirts, briefs and socks he kept at Castiel’s were still there.  
  
  
_“I want you back Dean… please… tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it… please Dean”_  
  
  
He looked down at his wrist and his bracelet was still clasped around it. ‘Always with you’ staring up at him.  
  
He went into the bathroom and washed his face and reached for Excedrin to get rid of his headache, he needed to think clearly. He took two pills and braced himself against the counter, closing his eyes whiling the pain away. He took a few deep breaths and looked up at the counter.  
  
Dean’s blue tooth brush was in the holder next to his purple one. Dean’s cologne was on the left with his electric razor.  
  
He slid down the open door of the bathroom. He felt so confused. How were Dean’s things still here? How was he in his penthouse that he had sold and he lived with Gabriel now, how…  
  
His heart was pounding against his chest and the hazes of his… it was a dream… a nightmare in its truest form. It wasn’t real, he hadn’t lost Dean, he hadn’t betrayed him.  
  
He wiped his face with his hand again. Everything had felt so very real… he could still feel the pain of Dean leaving him from his night mare… what did this mean? How could he have such a real dream, how could he remember everything, he didn’t understand, millions of questions went through him.  
  
What had brought on such an intense episode of his life as a ‘might happen’ context?  
  
His phone vibrated again in his bedroom and he stood quickly to get to it.  
  
It was Gabriel again. “Gabriel”  
  
“That was rude, you gotta stop being such a meanie Cassie”  
  
Castiel took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry Gabriel.”  
  
“Your forgiven, now I wanted to check up on you, you were really upset last night after your fight with Dean”  
  
He had a fight with Dean? That had to be what brought on that nightmare/premonition he dared call. He tried to remember, trying to shift through his hazy brain, trying to separate the reality from his dream memories. “The fight” He murmured, hearing Gabriel sigh on the other end.  
  
“Yeah with Dean’o. You gave him one of your temper tantrums because he’s too busy this weekend at the ranch he can’t come see you. Cassie are you ok? How much did you have to drink last night with Balthazar?”  
  
Balthazar.  
  
Castiel suddenly flew throughout his penthouse, looking for any evidence that Balthazar had been there.  
  
He found none.  
  
“I-I’m a little foggy at the moment” Castiel admitted as he ran back into the bathroom, checking himself for marks, hickies, finger bruises, bite marks ANYTHING.  
  
Nothing. And he certainly did not feel like he had had sex. Nope, no mess, no wetness and not pain or burn.  
  
He let out a loud breath of relief.  
  
“I figured, you were really drunk last night when you called me at one in the morning. You were yelling ‘how dare Balth try to kiss me!’ over and over and then crying about missing and wanting Dean. I never thought I would say this but you need to calm down with your drinking.” Gabriel told him, making Castiel roll his eyes when his brother made an exaggerated voice mimicking him.  
  
Balthazar had tried to kiss him, meaning he hadn’t and he had been sound minded enough to be upset and obviously leave and get away from Balthazar.  
  
Was that what had triggered all that pain and what ifs of his nightmare? His fight with Dean and then Balthazar trying to kiss him? Balthazar knew damn well Castiel was with Dean, he had bad mouthed him plenty.  
  
“Anyway, you have to come in today to approve the latest of your drawings into material, I think Hannah wanted your thoughts on silk or chiffon for the CN gala gown, the one with the high slit.”  
  
Castiel was nodded, rubbing at his face. “Yeah ok, give me an hour”  
  
“Ok. See you there”  
  
Castiel hung up and fell backwards into his bed and couldn’t stop the smile and tears in his eyes. He hadn’t cheated with Balthazar and he and Dean…  
  
Dean.  
  
He would have to call and make it up to him for being the brat he was. No… Castiel had to change, he couldn’t continue being so self-absorbed… it was hard thought. But Dean meant everything and if he didn’t change his way he really could lose the Cowboy. He had to change before Dean realized how much of a mean and self-centered and vain person he was. No, Dean hadn’t seem to notice… which was reasonable because when they were together they were alone mainly and Castiel didn’t get the overwhelming need to be ‘perfect’ and show his status and wealth with Dean… He just smiled and was happy with Dean.  
  
He phone vibrated again and he answered without looking at it. “Hello?”  
  
“Cassie dear, wanted to know what time to expect you tonight for my small gathering” Balthazar.  
  
Castiel frowned and sat up. In his dream… was this the party Dean found him with Balthazar? Maybe… ugh, Castiel tried desperately to remove the heavy fog of the dream/nightmare that had a firm hold on his thoughts.  
  
He stood and went towards his living room, stopping in his hallway to look over the pictures displayed over the whole wall at various angles and sizes, all in black and white. Most of the pictures were of him and Dean during their weekend tour of New York.  
  
“I won’t be attending. Actually don’t ever call me again.” He said, tracing his finger over Dean’s face in the picture of Dean smiling at the top of the Statue of Liberty. Dean was facing away from him, looking over the city and ocean, dimple and white teeth on full display.  
  
“Cassie if this about last night-“  
  
“No Balthazar, I mean it. I don’t want to have anything to do with you, Gordon, Luc, Anna or anyone from that circle of stuck up assholes and fake friends.” He was now looking at a picture of himself on Dean’s ranch, dressed in his too expensive jeans and Henley, petting Baby.  
  
“Alright, I understand you’re upset with me for trying to kiss you last night, but we both know you wanted to, you get flirty when drinking and you were complaining about your redneck not having time for you” Castiel looked at the picture of Dean and the infamous ‘Naked Cowboy’ they took in time square, smirked then turned back towards his room.  
  
He looked out of his window that covered the wall of his bedroom, overlooking New York. He loved what he did, but not the person he was when doing it. His art was profit not enjoyment. But Dean wasn’t with him for any of that. He just hoped he could fix their fight before Dean realized he could do better than Castiel but the designer wouldn’t give Dean up without a fight.  
  
“Take care Balthazar” He said and hung up numbly. On auto pilot he showered and dressed in casual slacks and a dark blue button up and headed towards the studio.  
  
He went through the motions of his job and Gabriel cornered him in his office.  
  
The shorter man starred at him, arms crossed over his chest with an intrigued look on his face.  
  
“Ok spill, what the hell is going on with you?”  
  
Castiel gave him a small smile which only made Gabriel more suspicious. “You were right”  
  
Gabriel’s eyes widened and he made a mocking face, looking stunt, having one of his hands dramatically fan himself. “I can’t believe, my baby brother just said I was right” He said overly dramatic.  
  
Castiel snorted.  
  
“Of course I was right!... About what exactly?” Castiel laughed at him.  
  
“About me… I need to change and be careful how I treat others… especially Dean.”  
  
“Huh” Gabriel said with a huff, and sat down in the guest chair of Castiel’s office. “What brought this on?” He asked, watching Castiel type away on the laptop in front of him.  
  
“I um… I guess I had a wake-up call, of sorts.” More of a terrifying nightmare that felt all too real and he didn’t want the reality of it happening… he couldn’t. He finished typing and clicking, and then looked over at his brother. “Gabriel I’m going to sell my penthouse. I’d like for you to take care of that if you could”  
  
Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up in surprised. “Okay… and what will you be doing?”  
  
Castiel stood up and took his satchel from the chair and draped it over his left shoulder. “I’m going to Texas to see Dean and apologize for the stupid fight” He said, purposely not filling in his brother on what he was really asking and started for the door with a small hopeful smile on his face.  
  
  


**#####**

**Texas**

Dean was exhausted. It was nearing the end of March and going into a warm April, Spring, which was right in the middle of baby season. Foals were born and yearlings were being sold and Dean had quite the turn up this year. This was always busy season and he loved this time of year.  
  
The busiest time of the year for the ranch and Dean wouldn’t have it any other way. Even with the crazy schedule, he was hoping to be able to get away tonight, catch a flight to New York. The fight he had with Castiel was eating at him, but he couldn’t help needing to work and take care of what needed to be done on the Ranch. He would have to make his boyfriend understand. His thoughts nagged at him and the negative what ifs were pulling at his heart.  
  
“Dean, four of our mares are in labor” Jo said happily, walking into the barn. Dean was just checking on the other half of the mares. Most were almost ready to bring new foals into the world.  
  
“Dean, someone’s at the house for you” Benny said walking into the barn behind Jo with a smirk on his face.  
  
“Thanks Benny, be right back” The Cowboy exited and started for the house.  
  
“I doubt it” Benny said huffing a laugh, petting a mate’s flank lovingly.  
  
Jo arched a brow at him. “Why do you say that? Who’s at the house?”  
  
Benny just smirked at her.  
  
**#**  
  
Dean walked into the house and he knew that mop of black hair anywhere. “Cas” The smaller man spun around and smiled brightly at the Cowboy before rushing to him.  
  
“Dean I’m sorry about being such a baby, I was a complete asshole, I know your busy and I’m really sorry and I love you” Castiel was talking a mile a minute, hand running all over the taller man’s chest and shoulders nervously, blue eyes looking everywhere but up at Dean.  
  
Dean smiled and grabbed the designer’s face in his hands, making those impossible blue eyes look into his own green ones. “Did you just tell me you love me?”  
  
Castiel was biting his bottom lip worriedly, eyes filled but hope and fear before he nodded and Dean snorted before flashing him a dazzling smile and kissed the designer stupid.  
  
The kiss grew hungry and passionate quickly, making Dean lifted up his lover who quickly wrapped his legs around the Cowboy’s waist and Dean started towards his room.  
  
They fell into the large bed, both refusing to break the kiss, lips needy and tongues reaching, devouring the other’s.  
  
Castiel was in a rush, needing to chase away the lingering strings of his nightmare, but the Cowboy seemed to have no urgency. He grabbed the designer’s wrists and held them above his head with one hand, the other was caressing Castiel’s cheek as Dean slowed their kiss, turning it gentle yet strong and deep.  
  
His lips started to trail down Castiel’s chin, peppered his jaw and started licking at his neck and traced the edges of Castiel’s ear, making the smaller man whimper and gasp. Dean positioned himself between Castiel’s legs and started grinding against him, making them both groan at the friction of both of their trapped erections against each other.  
  
“Dean” Castiel mewled as the Cowboy started to undress him, each button Dean opened, his mouth was there kissing the new exposed skin. As he moved lower down his chest, he released Castiel’s wrists.  
  
Castiel moaned as Dean unbuckled his jeans and slid them and his briefs down his legs, leaving open mouth kisses on the designer’s thighs as he went. Castiel took the opportunity to rid himself of his shirt as Dean came back up to claim his lips, grabbing him by the back of the neck into a fierce and burning kiss, filled with want, taking Castiel’s breath away.  
  
Dean lifted him as if he weighed nothing and placed him higher on the bed before sitting up and pulling his own shirt off. Castiel reached for him and Dean playfully snapped his teeth at him, making Castiel giggle before the Cowboy covered him and licked into his mouth, filthy and demanding, making the smaller man moan.  
  
“I need you…” Castiel begged. The designer gasped as Dean spread his legs and pushed them up to Castiel’s chest, then Dean disappeared between his leg and was licking him. “Dean!” Castiel’s eyes rolled in the back of his head as his toes curled when Dean pushed his tongue into him, fucking him with it, sucking on his rim making the smaller man cry out in pleasure, gasping out sharp breaths while Dean started with a finger.  
  
His right hand was in Dean’s short hair, tugging and racking through. Dean pulled back and started licking his lover’s leaking cock but not taking it in his mouth while he added a second finger.  
  
Castiel whimpered and moaned, pushing himself down on Dean’s fingers and cried out as Dean added a third at the same time he swallowed his cock down, making the blue eyed man arch off the bed and scream his name.  
  
Dean knew his lover was close and made sure to angle his fingers just right, ready when Castiel spasm bellow him and came in a rush into his mouth.  
  
“Dean!” The bedroom door swung open and Sam walked in yelling for his brother only to turn back on his heels. “Shit!”  
  
"Sam!”  
  
“I’m sorry! One of the mares needs you!” Sam said before grabbing the door and closing it behind him.  
  
Dean sighed and kissed Castiel’s stomach before getting up and retrieving his shirt. “I’m sorry, I have to go take care of this”  
  
The designer sat up and pulled his lover into a slow kiss. “Go, I’ll be here” Dean smiled against his lips and kissed him once more before leaving the room.  
  
Castiel sighed back into the bed and closed his eyes.  
  
**#**  
  
Sam was waiting for Dean outside. “I’m sorry I didn’t know he was even here!”  
  
“Its fine he kinda just got here” They were rushing towards the barn were Dean could hear the mare’s cries.  
  
“So he came to see you and you two obviously worked out your little fight”  
  
“Yup”  
  
“You should ask him to move here”  
  
Dean stopped walking and just looked at his brother. “I can’t just ask him that, he has his whole life in New York.” He said and started walking faster as the mare’s cries sounded louder.  
  
"I think you should ask him" Sam told him.  
  
They reached the distressed mare and as soon as her big brown eyes saw Dean she visibly calmed and that never seemed to stop being amazing to Sam. His brother had a special gift with horses and when you were privileged enough to see it, it was breath taking every time.  
  
Dean sat himself down and the horse’s head was against his thigh in no time and the Cowboy started to coo at her. He petted her long neck and was speaking to her quietly while Michael and Sam were steadfast in watching for the foal to come as her contractions continued.  
  
**#**  
  
An hour passed and Castiel couldn’t stay in the bedroom anymore. He got up and dressed and made his way to the kitchen.  
  


It was a beautiful kitchen, huge and rustically inviting. He reached the fridge and opened it to find a beer and as he closed it he yelped, finding a blonde woman watching him with her arms crossed. Johnna, he recognized her from Dean’s pictures and his horrible nightmare.

“Hi”

“Hey, you must be the boyfriend from New York” Cas smirked as he watched her hop up onto the counter.

“Castiel” He said offering his hand, she took it firmly.

“Johanna. So you came to see Dean, have to tell ya, Foal season is always crazy busy for us, and especially Dean”

The designer nodded. “Yes, he tried to explain it to me”

“Dean has a gift with his horses. Foal season is busy for any rancher but for Dean, it’s more than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“My brother has a strong connection with his horses, when the mares go into labor, some get very scared, especially when it’s their first baby. Some get really tense while giving birth so Dean goes in and soothes them. As soon as they see him they relax its amazing. You see them, how they trust him and calm down almost right away.” As she talked, she was looking off into the distance, eyes glazed over remembering things. She was beautiful, much like Dean but her hair was a golden blonde instead of a dirty dark blonde like Dean’s. She had brown eyes instead of green like her brother but they had the same mouth.

Johanne suddenly jumped off the counter and grabbed his wrist. “Come on, you can see for yourself”

“W-what?” Castiel barely had time to put down his beer before the short blonde was pulling him out of the room and towards the front door.

“If you really care for my brother, you will have to get familiar with what he does and why he can’t leave Texas or his horses. I know you’re some fancy New York designer but whatever” She was literally dragging him across the grounds and towards one of the barns.

Jo took him to the entrance of the barn and there was Dean, sitting on the floor, legs sprawled open and the mare’s head resting on his right thigh, ears against the Cowboy’s stomach and chest as Dean petted her, caressing her, cooing at her. His head was tilted down, face all hidden except for his mouth and chin and Castiel was transfixed. Dean was speaking softly to the horse and you could see how much she trusted him, rubbing her head against him affectionately as she started to push.

“Here he comes” A man next to Sam said, who Cas recognize as Michael.

“This part isn’t easy to watch if you get queasy easy” Jo told him. But Castiel couldn’t take his eyes away from Dean. His heart swell and beat faster as he watched the man he loved, adoringly soothing this powerful and stunning creature as she brought a life into the world. He was so overwhelmed watching this bond between man and beast, the understanding between them made Castiel’s heart sore high.

“Good girl…” Sam said as the foal came out easily and in a diving position with the hooves down, closely followed by the nose.

Castiel couldn’t help but look then, in a twenty minute span, this beautiful foal came out and the fetal membrane broke which then Sam move into action, making sure the foal was breathing.

“What do we have?” It was the first time Dean spoke up during the proceedings and as he looked up he saw Castiel and smiled at him. The designer couldn’t help but smile back.

“We have a colt!” Sam said happily, as Michael started to check the foal’s breathing with a stethoscope and then moved to check the mare’s breathing.

“You did so good, you have a pretty colt, good girl” Dean said to the mare still resting against him breathing heavily. She snorted at him and then blew a long breath through her nose as Dean continued to pet her.

“Gonna keep an eye on her for the placenta.” Michael said, watching the foal waking up to his surroundings.

The mare moved suddenly, slowly getting up and nuzzled Dean’s face, pushing his hat off making him laughed.

“She just kissed Dean” Johanna explained to Cas who huffed a snort. Dean was smiling at the beautiful grey spotted mare and stood along with her, grabbing his hat from the floor.

The mare started to scent her foal and lick at him to clean him. This was such a beautiful moment Castiel had never thought something so natural could be so breath taking.

Sam looked over and waved at Castiel. “Hey Cas, long time no see”

“Hello Sam”

“Dean, we can handle it from here”

The Cowboy nodded to his brother and tussled Johanna’s hair as he went passed her, gaining a hard glare before starting towards the house with Castiel by his side.

“That was amazing” The designer said, feeling bold and grabbed Dean’s hand who smiled at him and laced his fingers through his.

“Yeah, it always is”

They walked into the house and Dean immediately pushed him against the door and devoured his mouth. Dean cradled his head, getting better access to Castiel’s mouth who moaned into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders, finger’s teasing the short dirty blonde hair, careful of his hat.

“I missed you” Dean told him as he broke the kiss, green eyes intense and full of adoration, making Castiel’s heart beat faster. “Come on” He took the designer’s hand once more and led them to his bedroom.

Then it was like a silent dance, just them and no one else. Dean took his over shirt off as they kiss deeply, sucking on Castiel’s tongue, gaining a groan out of him. He broke the kiss and took a step back and took off his t-shirt as Castiel quickly got rid of his own before Dean put his hands on his hips and pulled him flush against him and started kissing and nipping at the designer’s sensitive neck.

“Dean….” He gasped as the Cowboy’s left hand lowered to his ass and squeezed hungrily. Dean lifted him up and Castiel found himself on the bed sprawled out while Dean pulled down his pants. He was back over him in seconds, kissing him deeply and grinding their groins together, making Castiel moan softly, grabbing at his short hair. “Touch me…” The designer pleaded, making his lover smirk before regaining his lips.

Dean sucked marks into his skin as he moved down, tongue lapping around his nipples, making him gasp as he trailed down open mouth kisses to his leaking cock.

Cas choked off a moan and fisted his hands into the bed sheets as Dean sucked him down. “Dean!” He pulled off and slowly stroked the designer’s cock as his mouth roamed over his balls. “Oh….” The Cowboy started kissing over his hip bones, nipping at them while slowly pumping Castiel’s cock, his hand rubbing over his thighs and lifted them and then Castiel’s eyes rolled into the back of his head as Dean licked at his hole hungrily, lapping and twisting his tongue before breaching him, fucking him with it.

“Yes!... Dean…” Castiel’s hands were now in Dean’s short hair, pulling and pushing as he fucked himself on his lover’s tongue. “Please… Please…” Castiel was begging and pleading, needing him inside of him now, desperate to feel his lover.

“What’s the rush sweetheart?” Dean asked, reaching over to the night stand for the bottle of lube in the drawer.

Castiel knew he was teasing but the Cowboy had no idea how much Castiel needed him, needed to feel full and filled him with, wrapped in his strong arms to chase away the nightmare that threatened to linger. Dean kisses him again just as he pushes in two lube coated fingers and starts thrusting in and out of him slowly, making the designer push back against him, fucking himself of his fingers.

Dean pumps his fingers faster, leaving open mouth kisses against his collar bone and neck. Castiel’s hands squeezed at Dean’s biceps, appreciating the muscular strength of them as Dean retrieved his fingers and started to push himself into him. “Fuck Cas…” He groaned against his neck while the blue eyed lover arched into his touch as Dean bottomed out.

Dean started a fast and deep pace, enjoying all the pretty little noises his beautiful lover was making beneath him, mouth open, head thrown back, eyes closed with his skin flushed. “So gorgeous”

“Dean….Oh….” The Cowboy rolled his hips while ever so deep into him, gaining breathy little whines and gasps while Castiel’s blunt nails dug into his shoulders.

Dean buried his face into the crook of Castiel’s neck as he grinded his hips, making them both pant and moan at the incredible feeling of being together. The Cowboy was rubbing right at his spot and moving faster and harder and Castiel couldn’t take in a breath as he came in a hard rush crying out Dean’s name as Dean continued thrusting in and out of him, nipping at Castiel’s neck as his body went lip.

The Cowboy gasped against his collar bone, coming deep into him, coating his insides and Castiel felt so good. He wrapped his arms around Dean who had just collapsed against him, kissing his skin absently.

They kissed slowly and sweetly, nuzzled each other, catching their breaths before Dean carefully removed himself for his lover and made his way to his bathroom to get a damp wash cloth and came back to clean Castiel.

“Thank you”

Dean smirked, throwing the wash cloth into the far away hamper before falling back into bed and grabbing Castiel, pulling him tightly against his chest.

“Cas?”

“Hm?”

Dean lifted up a bit, making the designer turn onto his back to look up at him. Those bright blue eyes looking up at him always squeezed Dean’s heart. He reach up and gently caressed his lover’s cheek. “You know how I feel about you, right?”

Maybe Dean didn’t love him, but maybe one day he would? What if his dream had just been another way of telling him Dean was going to leave him regardless? Maybe he shouldn’t have told Dean he loved him.

Dean watched those blue eyes look away from him and the sudden fear and pain so plain to see on the designer’s face made Dean panic. “Cas. Cas look at me” Dean’s hand caressed the side of his face, urging him to look up.

Castiel looked up into the worried green eyes and promised himself not to cry. “Cas I love you, I have for a long time I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t”

Castiel released the breath he had been holding and surged forward kissing Dean desperately. The Cowboy deepened the kiss, mapping out every inch of his mouth.

“Would you consider moving here, to the ranch with me? I know your life is in New York and I know how selfish I’m being right now but…“ The smile Castiel gave him was breath taking and the designer kissed him hard.

“I can design anywhere” He started, making Dean give him his million dollar smile. “Besides, I don’t want to be away from you anymore” He added, caressing Dean’s scruff.

“I love you” Dean told him again before claiming his lips again for a fierce and searing kiss.

Castiel’s dream had been a very strong warning and he had no idea why or how but he was grateful he had it, because everything was telling him not to fuck it up and that this was really the best thing that had ever happened to him and he couldn’t lose Dean, he refused too.

And he wouldn’t.

 

**End**


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